Should you save the name for a son?
It comes up from time to time in #namehelp posts, and in all sorts of baby naming forums, too:
We love the name Raymond, after my dad, but we’re having a girl.
I’d like to use my mother’s maiden name for my first child, but does Macallister work for a daughter?
Often well meaning comments suggest that the family save the name for a son, and choose a different name for their daughter. When I first started out, I think it’s possible that I said that sometimes, too. (And I’m sure I thought it more than once.)
It can seem like a logical suggestion, and I believe the comments are well-meaning. But the longer I write about names, the more those comments make me feel uneasy.
So I thought I’d share why I no longer suggest parents the save name for a son.
Girls deserve family names, too.
I know a few families where the boys are named after fathers and grandfathers, and the girls’ names? They’re just pretty.
The pressure to hand down a family name can be intense. If you’ve fulfilled your obligation with your first child’s name, it’s perfectly understandable that you might want to start with a blank slate for future children.
Factor in that men’s names tend to be slightly less trend-sensitive, and it’s easy to see how you end up with William James III and Everly Grace. One enduring classic to honor generations past, and one on-trend, stylish choice that is all yours.
But I think there’s something very egalitarian about the idea that the firstborn gets the family name, even if William ends up with a granddaughter Willa, or you pass on the family surname Hunter regardless of gender.
With creativity, almost any honor name works.
Should you name your baby girl Raymond? No. I don’t think you should.
But Rachel, Rae, Raya, and many other names that share the sound are all possibilities.
If you’ve decided that you’d like to honor a loved one, there will always be some way to make that name work.
The impulse to honor a loved one might be specific to this pregnancy.
Maybe your grandfather passed away shortly before you learned you were expecting. Or maybe this is your first child, and your dad’s memory has been much on your mind.
Sometimes it just feels like the right moment to choose an honor name.
Maybe the family plans on just one child.
I know plenty of families who are only planning on one child. They married late in life. There are health concerns. Or financial constraints. Or … well, reasons. If the family has made the decision – or had the decision made for them – then saving a name for a future child isn’t an option.
Sure, I know families who planned on just one child, and later had more. But if there’s a good chance this baby is going to be a singleton, then why forgo using a meaningful name?
What if there’s never a son?
Let’s say that you’ve had The Perfect Boy Name for over a decade. It’s a name that means so much to you and your partner. And in that decade, you’ve welcomed three wonderful daughters. Now you’re 41, and expecting baby #4.
And baby #4 is another girl. Should you really just give up the name? Or should you find a way to incorporate it into her name – as a middle, by finding a feminine form, or just using it for a girl as-is?
Some families let the name go, while others end up with a Ryanne or a Riley Marie.
Here’s what strikes me about this one – if it’s okay to finally use Riley after three other daughters, doesn’t that meant that you could have used it in the first place?
The main reason I never say “save the name for a son” is …
The word I say more often than any on this site is congratulations, and that’s such a privilege and a joy.
But I hear other kinds of stories, too. Heartbreaking tales of miscarriage. Multiple rounds of IVF. Failed adoptions. Building a family isn’t easy, and sometimes the history behind a new addition – if the parents really cared to take us into their confidence – is complicated and intense.
And so even when the parents say, “We’d love to have four more children,” I tend to think that we should use our favorite names now, when the circumstances feel right – even if it isn’t exactly what others might expect.
Of course, you shouldn’t necessarily save names for daughters, either!
When we were first married, I assumed we’d have at least three children, maybe more. (I once suggested seven …) But that wasn’t in the cards. We named our first son after his side of the family, and agreed that our first daughter would be named after my mom, Clare. And our second child was a daughter, so everything worked out.
But if baby #2 had been a son? I think that using Clare as a middle would have been better than not using the name at all.
While using conventionally feminine names for boys is less mainstream than using conventionally masculine ones for girls, that’s changing. And honoring loved ones is as good a reason to break with tradition.
Did you “save the name for a son” – or a daughter?
First published on August 8, 2015, this post was updated and re-published on January 26, 2023.
But isn’t it rather dishonest to present giving a child a family name as a gender-neutral endeavor? I have never seen a boy named Mary or Ellen after a beloved aunt or grandmother; I have, however, seen many girls given historically male names, and their mother’s original surnames (surrendered as part of a tradition that, regardless of the self-conscious reclamation with which some women may now practice it, is indisputably a manifestation of patriarchy), under the banner of “family.” The issue isn’t that girls aren’t being given family names; they are. The issue is that BOYS are being deprived of family names — wonderful names, names of fabulous role models, names rich with family history — because those names happen to be female. See, again, the dearth of boys named Mary or Ellen or Carmen or Aaliyah and the plethora of girls named Addison and Madison and Riley and Charlie. How is THAT fair?
My parents had this situation with my youngest sister. My mom already had seven kids when she met my stepdad and they knew this baby would probably be the last. My stepdad’s family had a tradition for the boys – the firstborn son would have the dad’s name flipped. So my stepdad is Ernest Raymond, his father was Raymond Ernest, and if my sister had been a boy, she’d have been Raymond Ernest. But she was a girl. They still honored the name by giving her the middle name Rae. They got to honor his mom, too, by naming her Doris. So she’s Doris Rae. (Not the most stylish name, but she goes by the very cute “Dorrie” and they got to honor both of his parents which is nice.)
It was never any question for us–all our children would have family names, regardless of gender. We have all boys and among them have honored female relatives as well as male, and using a version of my mother-in-law’s name for one of my boys was exactly because of what you said–we had no guarantees we’d ever have a girl and it was important to us to get my mil in there somewhere. Of course there’s also the issue, especially with some of the older generation, that a grandfather for example wouldn’t like to be honored by having his name or a version given to a granddaughter. My mil is still weirded out by it I think–I don’t think it feels like an honor name to her. Ah well, we tried! And we loved the name independently of her anyway so it’s all good.
I loved your post on different ways to do honor names! One of my favorites!!
My husband’s grandmother and mine shared a name that we wanted to use for our daughter’s middle name. Very close to her birth we discovered that his grandmother used a different spelling (and not the one I expected based on her nickname) so we needed to choose one. We chose my grandmother’s spelling, but have always seen it as an honor name for both grandmothers. Unfortunately I don’t think my fil can get past the spelling difference so he doesn’t see it as an honor name for his mother. It’s too bad, but my daughter knows we named her for both of her great-grandmothers.
Regarding the double standard for naming girls with a boy’s name, vs NOT naming a boy with a girl’s name, it also exists with clothes. I often dress my daughter in blue hand-me downs, but for some reason I shy away from putting pink onesies in my son. I consider myself quite open and liberal, so have been thinking about this a lot…
You can also use the French female name Raymonde.
Lots of French male names have a female version :
Jean Jeanne
René Renée
Michel Michelle
Pascal Pascalle
André Andrée
Joseph Josephe
This is so wonderful and wise! I love how well you explain things!
I think you’re so right on this, Abby. We just never know how things will turn out, do we? We settled on the name Xander for a boy before we had any children, and we just got the chance to use it nearly ten years later. But there was a brief moment where we weren’t sure we were really having a boy (our earlier u/s techs were convinced we had a boy, but our “official” hospital gender scan tech was just as convinced the baby was a girl.) We considered using Xandra which I came to like the idea of so much that I’m almost sad it’s off-limits now!
Every time there’s a post about someone considering a “boy” name for a girl, there are so many dismissive comments about how they should use a girl’s name instead, and stop “stealing” from the boys’ side. I really hate seeing those, and I think it plays into what Emily brought up – the sexist view of our society that the worst thing you can do to a boy is make him “like a girl.”
I was named after both grandmothers and my brother got fairly trendy names my parents “just liked.” I didn’t realize how unusual this role reversal was until much later in life!
I love having honor names, and if we have kids, I intend to give them family names, and probably my maiden name as a middle. My favorite girl’s name is the feminine form of my dad’s name.
Edit to add: In general, if the primary goal is to honor a relative, I think it’s a good idea to use an honor name as soon as possible, regardless of gender, given how small most families are. But if we had a boy first, I would probably not use my dad’s name for him, given that I like the feminine version not only as an honor name but also because I think it’s beautiful. I would rather not use the name at all than use the male version and then not be able to use the female one if we had a girl. I think I’d be constantly reminded of how many years I daydreamed about having a daughter named X if I had a son with the male version.
I would still use a family name for a son, though. Just not that one.
I think this is a nice philosophy in theory, but I have an issue with the number of parents who think a male family name on a girl is “cool and fresh” while a female family name on a boy is “cruel and signing him up for a life of torment.” The same parents who name their daughter Jaysyn after her grandfather (yes, I’ve seen it) should also be willing to name their son Carroll after his grandmother instead of “saving it for a girl.” Otherwise the misogyny is just a bit too obvious for my liking.
I agree if boys get family names so should girls. All girls in my family do, though, and I didn’t realize it was uncommon. I have a lot of gender-swap ideas, not sure what’s best:
Boys
Ives [Hebrew name Chaim] – for Irene, who was Chaya. Ives I would only use as a middle.
Leonardo [Leib or Lev] – for Liba.
Cavanagh – husband’s grandmother’s maiden name.
Girls
Tabitha [Tzvia] – for Tzvi. Tabitha is the English form. Other option is alliteration with the Tz- sound, which my husband says suggests Xanthe. “it makes a z sound but no one knows what to do with it, it’s the perfect tz-”
Ann, Jane [Chana or Yochana] – for Chanan/Yochanan. Other option is to alliterate to the H-, husband likes Helena and I like Hazel.
I like Tabitha Ann or Jane Xanthe ATM.
But… I think I will let gender decide namesakes for the first baby. Because it feels easier to let fate choose than say who should get the possibly only chance otherwise. Breaks my heart too much to actively weigh ‘do i name for THIS beloved relative or THAT one.’ Firstborn can’t have just tons of names in case no others follow. But as you can see it’s more an issue of *which* family name’ than family name: y/n?
I know its not perfect. And I know there may be no second as at the moment I am struggling to even get pregnant with a first. 🙁
Sad. Back to naming my imaginary triplets.
Oh, Josie – sending thoughts your way.
And I think that you raise a good point about *which* family name – when you have lots of family names to consider, it can be freeing to put some constraints on your list, too.