Name Help is a series at Appellation Mountain. Every week, one reader’s name questions will be discussed.
We’re relying on thoughtful comments from the community to help expectant parents narrow down their name decisions. Thank you in advance for sharing your insight!
Julie writes:
My husband and I are due with our first child together in August. We waited until we found out the sex to really talk about names. Now we know it’s a girl, but that hasn’t helped at all!
I’m drawn to old-fashioned names such as Prudence and Bernadette. Serious names that sound strong.
He’s not on board. I mean, completely not willing to consider the names that I love best.
To be fair, he has a really unusual family name and goes by his initials instead. He says I have no idea what it’s like to go through life being the kid with the weird name.
I’ve told him that things are different now and that we know lots of kids with “weird” names, including some of our nieces/nephews.
He won’t budge, and I’m getting closer and closer to my due date, and our little one is going to be known as Baby T. because I don’t even know where to begin. Help, please!
Please read on for my response and leave your thoughtful suggestions in the comments.
Abby replies:
Congratulations on your new daughter! And I’m so sorry you’re struggling to find a name.
You’ve actually done some good work, though. Thinking and talking about your own names is a great place to start – even though it highlights your differences.
Here’s the thing: your husband isn’t rejecting your favorite names on a whim. He’s basing his preferences on lived experience. And while I agree with you – names have gotten more diverse, and yes, weirder! – it doesn’t change his feelings.
So the trick is to turn the dial on your style enough to address his concerns. I’d call your style delightful antiques. And it sounds like he’d be amenable to a delightful antique with plenty of strength … as long as it seemed more familiar.
Do you think you could love a name that shared many of the qualities of Bernadette and Prudence, but was just a little less uncommon?
There’s a category of names I call Trending Traditionals. They’re not quite classic, but they’ve got history to spare. And they feel stylish by today’s measure, without being wildly popular.
TRENDING TRADITIONALS
ADA #184
Close to Top Ten Ava, but with a very different vibe, Ada might hit the mark for you both. Ada Lovelace cements this name as intelligent, and the sound is undeniably accessible.
BEATRICE #550
A name everyone knows, but relatively few parents are using. Shorten it to Bea (or Betty or Birdie) or not, because Beatrice requires no nickname. It has all that deliciously complex sound while being more familiar than Prudence or Bernadette.
DOROTHY #534
A former chart-topping favorite, Dorothy has gone from Oz to Miami. But this familiar name remains nicely uncommon in the 2020s.
JOSEPHINE #86
Spirited and traditional, Josephine shares the classic style of Elizabeth and Katherine. But it’s just a little different, too.
LOUISA #725
Equally romantic and high-energy, Louisa sounds like a sister for Prudence or Bernadette. But because we love so many Lou- names these days – think Lucy, Luna, and Lucia – Louisa fits right in.
PEARL #773
A spare gemstone name, Pearl feels gently antique, but with all the resilience that the stone suggests, too.
RUTH #220
A vintage name that signals strength and accomplishment. Bonus: Ruthie is a darling nickname for a little Ruth.
VERA #246
With two solid meanings – truth and faith – Vera marries virtuous meanings with an appealing sound.
From this list, I’d probably put Ruth at the top. But it doesn’t have to be Ruth. That’s just an example of names that share all the qualities you value, but might feel more accessible and familiar to meet your husband’s concerns.
And if you did compromise on something like Ruth for your daughter’s first name, a dramatic and surprising middle might be just the thing. Ruth Bernadette has me swooning.
All of that said, has he suggested any names at all? If he’s thinking, say, Emily or Katherine, then he could probably be persuaded to meet you in the middle with a name like Louisa.
But if he objects to vintage style entirely? Then we’d have to start with a slightly different list! But the approach remains the same – look for the midpoint between his “normal” names and the ones you really love.
I’m not sure what your husband’s naming style is but maybe a formal name with an approachable nickname would be a good compromise. The first name like this to come to mind is Margaret. It feels similar in style to Prudence and Bernadette but has tons of different nicknames to choose from. Margaret called Maggie, Maisie, Greta, Etta, Daisy, Pearl, Meg, Peggy, maybe even Mae or Molly… any of these would be great options. Katherine and Elizabeth feature tons of nicknames as well
My first thoughts for you were Celia, Eliza, Phoebe, Mae, and perhaps Miriam.
Celia (at #784) is relatively uncommon but still in the top 1000. Cecilia (at #147) makes it sound more familiar. Cecilia could be an option too come to think of it.
What names does he like? Get him to make some suggestions. I would probably stick with Anna, Elizabeth, Katherine, etc., which I have a hunch might be more his style.
So, I gotta say, the fact that he isn’t on board with Prudence and Bernadette doesn’t make him completely unreasonable. They are more unique names… I mean, isn’t that what draws you to them in the first place? It just means he likes something different.
If I can ask, have you given any ground to his favorites? This thing is two ways. Which of his favorites could you get behind, even if it was a nickname or another version of that name (Daisy to Margaret for example).
I struggled to find names with my hubby too. So I hear you. He killed everything I loved. But I really had to listen to the reasons why he loved Tracy for a boy to get to a point where we could find something we both agreed on.
This is a version of marriage therapy — how to work through disagreements on this that last a life time. Just wait to you have to discuss religion or circumcision or educational choices. Listening open mindedly really is the only way. Best of luck.
I kind of get where your husband is coming from. I grew up with not a weird or unusual name but just a name that wasn’t common. It’s not that I have never ran into anyone with my name but I was convinced as a teen if I had a pretty name all would be easier. I get the need for uniqueness. But I would take a step back and think of being a 13 year old girl with the name you choose.
I think there is a middle ground here and Abby gave wonderful options.
Bernadette was in the top 1000 until 1993, I even went to high school with a girl named Bernadette.
I like Josephine and Jacqueline for you.
I would consider Nora, Victoria, and Audrey.
Otherwise I think there’s probably a lot of middle ground for you two in 2020 ranks 150-350.
my top picks from there would be Willa, Angela, and Rosalie.
It sounds to me that you love plosive sounds (b, p, d) in longer names. So Beatrice and Dorothy would suit your preference in Abby’s list, and I would add:
Adelaide
Claudia
Eugenie
Gwendolyn
Marigold
Rosalind
Victoria
Has he suggested any names?
Ugh so hard (Bernadette and Prudence are such beautiful names). I agree with Abby that there has to be some middle ground. I would try to figure out if his objection to older names is that he would prefer a more common/popular name or something simpler that is easier to say/spell. For the first, there are a lot of antique names back in the top 100ish – Eleanor, Aurora, Josephine, Margaret, Naomi, Adeline, and Lydia. If it’s something simpler maybe you could find common ground on a name like Ruth, Pearl, Opal, Rose, Rosemary, Eve, Tessa, or Vera. Good luck!!
Yes I noticed the same thing looking at data from 1898, 1909, and 1946. Margaret and Della specifically kept popping out. Della could be a strong nickname for Adeline. Eleanor, Josephine and Margaret are nickname rich options, so there could be compromise there too.
Harriet, with Hattie as a nn.
Agatha
Alma
Irene
Wilhelmina, with Mina or Willa as a nn
Viola
Theresa
Philippa
Rosamond with Rosie as a nn
Drusilla
Etta
Helen
Susan
Fern
Estelle
Antonia