Name Help is a series at Appellation Mountain. Every week, we discuss reader’s name questions, usually on Tuesdays and Fridays. We’re relying on thoughtful comments from the community to help expectant parents narrow down their name decisions. Thank you in advance for sharing your insight! To have your question considered, email appmtn (at) gmail. Looking for your own private #namehelp post? Order one here.
FIGHTING OVER A (NICK)NAME
Gina writes:
We named our daughter 13 years ago, and we’ve been perfectly happy with our decision. Her first name is unisex, very unusual (never in the Top 1000) and her middle name is Elizabeth. As she’s gotten older, she’s told us that she’s uncomfortable with how different her first name is, and even though that breaks my heart more than a little, that’s why we gave Elizabeth as her middle name. She now goes by Ellie at school and with friends, and we’re trying to use it at home, too.
The trouble is that my much-younger sister has just had a baby, her first, and named her Eleanor. She wants to call Eleanor Ellie, and objects that we’re “stealing” her daughter’s name. This means that she continues to call our daughter by her disliked first name, and my mom is doing the same now, too. (Though she initially seemed fine with calling our daughter Ellie.) They both say it is “too confusing.”
It’s all so stupid because:
- There are so many other Ellies! My daughter has three in her middle school, and I expect there will be more in her high school next year.
- The girls won’t be confused. They have different last names and probably won’t go to the same schools. Even if they did, they’re 13 years apart. Who would ever even remember?
- My daughter only has so many options. My sister wants my Ellie to go by another Elizabeth nickname. When I stated back that we could just call her daughter Nora or something like that, my sister was annoyed. And this was already happening before my niece was born, so it’s not as if my sister didn’t know Ellie might be an issue.
Do I hope my daughter reverts to her birth name and makes this easier? I guess part of me does. But that’s not something I’m going to fight about right now, and I don’t understand why we can’t just either both have Ellies or my sister can choose a different nickname if it really bothers her.
Help, please!
Please read on for my response and share your thoughtful suggestions in the comments.
PEOPLE SHOULD BE CALLED WHAT THEY WANT TO BE CALLED
Abby replies:
I am so sorry you’re in the middle of this. Let’s start with two principles I often rely on:
- First, Steve’s principle. People should be called what they want to be called. This principle is named in honor of my very fair-minded, big-hearted uncle. Calling someone by their preferred name is bedrock to any kind of relationship.
- Second, choose the relationship, not the name. If situations were reversed, and I were advising your sister, I’d tell her to call her Eleanor something else. Options abound! Or to simply make peace with two Ellies.
The problem, of course, is that you’re already following this advice. You’re honoring what your daughter wants to be called and you’re choosing your relationship with her over your own personal feelings.
You’re doing the absolute right thing by honoring your daughter’s request.
But you already know that.
Your question is about how to handle your sister and mom, and their decision to ignore your daughter’s request in favor of their personal preferences.
It’s tempting to suggest something petty. Refer to your niece as Nora, exclusively. If she can choose your daughter’s name, then why can’t you re-name hers?
But I think you’re better off with a direct and unflinching approach. Choose a phrase and repeat it. Something like:
She prefers to be called Ellie, and if you love her, you’ll respect her decision.
And then set a limit. If you have to correct someone once? That’s normal. I’m sure that, after 13 years, you find yourself slipping. Giving grandma grace is appropriate – as long as she’s trying.
But you know the difference. If it’s clearly a deliberate mis-use of the name your daughter has rejected? Then you can trot out your rehearsed line with a little bit of frost.
It’s also worth considering your options. Can you end a visit or a phone call if it happens more than twice? Might you even consider limiting your extended family’s involvement in certain types of events. For example, if your daughter plays soccer, make it clear that the only name they’ll be cheering on from the sidelines is Ellie.
I do think that there’s room for compromise. If your mom defaults to calling your daughter Honey or Sweetheart or some other term of endearment, and that works for everyone? Embrace it, at least in the short term.
The situation with your sister feels more fraught, but I think the same rules apply. Don’t argue about it. Call your niece Ellie – or maybe “your Ellie” or “sister’s Ellie” in family situations where there’s room for confusion. And then rely on your chosen phrase and follow the same two-strikes boundary or whatever works for you.
One last thought:
Our children own their names.
It’s sometimes painful. But mostly? Raising children is about figuring out their gifts and interests and what makes them a whole, independent person with ideas of their own. As parents, we can fight it. Or we can guide them. Most of us quickly figure out that crushing a child’s spirit by demanding blind obedience is not a great long-term strategy. But it is tempting, when they’re little and rules are far more black-and-white, to imagine that we’ll always be in the driver’s seat.
Which is all a very long way of saying that I wonder if your sister will understand completely … in another five or ten or 16 years.
But you can’t wait that long. Make your choice, communicate your strategy with your daughter and get on the same page before the next time you’re around extended family.
And know that yes, families can thrive with cousins sharing a nickname. They cannot be strong and healthy when others refuse to see them as they truly are.
