I legally changed my name as an adult.

It’s a long story, but twenty years later? Some people still don’t use my new name.

This includes people I love, and who love me right back. It wasn’t that they wouldn’t do it, not exactly. It was that they couldn’t quite wrap their heads around the possibility that someone might change their given name.

At the time, my uncle was – as he often is – the hero of the story. On hearing that I was determined to pursue a name change, Steve calmly said “people should be called what they want to be called.”

He never used my old name again after that moment.

It was one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever received. Not just acceptance,, but acceptance without requiring me to offer an explanation.

I know it’s awkward to look at a person your brain knows as Melanie and say Quinn instead.

It takes effort and energy. Sometimes it’s just downright puzzling.

But I do think that Steve’s Principle is bedrock to being a good human being.

Call people what they want to be called.

Without expecting justification or reason.

Yes, even if it you find it a little silly. Even if the person can’t offer up an explanation that satisfies. (I’m not sure I could have, not back then.)

Names matter, but people matter more. Steve’s Principle honors that reality.

It’s always a gift.

Parents give their children names as gifts.

Just like sweaters, though, they don’t always fit. They can be outgrown or worn through. Even the best, carefully thought-out choice, might not suit the recipient for a hundred different reasons.

It’s not about you. Gifts are given with a generous spirit, intended to be used by the receiver.

Or not. Once they’re given, your part is done.

But it’s also bedrock to an honest, loving relationship.

Failing to call someone by their chosen name is sort of like saying, “You’re telling me who you are. But I’m telling you that how I personally choose to see you is more significant.”

Which is … kind of dazzlingly wrong.

If you can’t share the most fundamental truths with another person, then you might not have much of a relationship.

Case in point: my legal name is not Abby. I do not correct or explain in many administrative situations. Banks, airlines, the pharmacy. These are not moments when it matters. In fact, the opposite is true: what information is required to make this transaction as easy as possible?

In my personal life, though? If you don’t call me by my preferred name, that’s a pretty strong signal that we do not really know each other.

During my name change process, it was always a relief when someone calmly acknowledged it. Friends did, of course.

Sometimes people I only knew slightly did the same.

I ran into a former classmate in an office tower elevator. “You go by Abby now, right?” “Yes, thank you.” I’m sure she’s forgotten it, but I never will.

Even if you have your reservations, using the correct name is a sign of trust and respect.

I’m going to believe that every human being on this green and verdant earth is an expert on one thing, above all else: their own personal experience.

If I have the opportunity to interact with that person? Why wouldn’t I call them what they want to be called?

image of grandfather with two grandchildren walking on the beach; text reads "Steve's Principle: Call People What They Want to Be Called"
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Let’s be real for a minute: this can be awkward.

It can also be weird, and even funny. A friend of mine sent her son to sleep away camp. He left knowing no one, but returned home with a bunch of new friends, who all called him Murdock. There’s a story there, one that still makes me laugh. But it strikes me as especially great that everyone in the camp office, looking at his paperwork, just sort of shrugged and said, “Okay, Murdock. We’ll go with that.”

As it happens, I just watched Steve navigate an even more challenging situation. Because name changes aren’t always kids at camp trying on new identities for a summer.

Sometimes it’s weightier, a change that reflects the most fundamental parts of our identity.

Steve’s Principle applies here, too.

It’s not my story to tell, and I only know a little. But I do recognize that, once again, I was reminded that using someone’s preferred name is the floor, not the ceiling. It’s the basis of trust and respect, the minimum required for a loving relationship.

That’s why it matters.

This post first appeared as part of the October 23, 2022 Sunday Summary. I’ve removed the outdated links and expanded the intro. Because I think Steve’s Principle is bedrock, and I’d like to be able to refer to this in the future.

About Abby Sandel

Whether you're naming a baby, or just all about names, you've come to the right place! Appellation Mountain is a haven for lovers of obscure gems and enduring classics alike.

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8 Comments

  1. I feel this on so many levels.

    People inevitably try to shorten my hyphenated last name, and they always default to the second part of the name. Nope. Not my name. If someone has a hyphenated name, use the full thing regardless of how cumbersome it is to you, until and unless they tell you that you can shorten it.

    My uncle was given the name Charles at birth, but everyone except his wife/my aunt called him Punk. As a teen, I tried to call him Charlie like my aunt did, and it was immediately clear that this was not acceptable.

    My teens have friends who have tried on alternative names for various reasons. One teen I know has adopted 2 or 3 preferred names so far. Her given name, while lovely, just doesn’t suit her. It is my job to be respectful and to try to keep up.

    1. SUCH a good point about surnames. It’s so easy to assume. But *almost* just as easy to ask, and always the better approach.

      Your note about teens reminds me of someone in my life who changed their name to get some distance from a really problematic birth parent. It was absolutely necessary … but incredibly awkward if someone insisted on asking why they’d made the change. Yet another reason this principle applies …

  2. Why do all Steves or Stevens/Stephen/-ans are so accepting? Itโ€™s 1 of those names that Iโ€™ve come across that people have and personally experience Steves to be usually open-minded individuals. Most times, they can relate for theyโ€™re usually unique in some way, despite having such a โ€œtraditionalโ€ or widely-recognized name. One Iโ€™ve met is currently studying to be a physicist, another was a former engineer for the navy, later designed clothes and is very good at making different types of knots, and there a many others w/ unique interests and are always friendly!

    Very good post and love that Mandy Moore and her husband chose โ€œOscarโ€. Itโ€™s very underused compared to a lot of other โ€œold manโ€ or โ€œtraditionalโ€ boy names.

  3. Our grandson is now 15 and doing well. Our family hopes to have another family reunion next summer.

  4. Your story of your Uncle Steve immediately using your chosen name brought to mind a different reason for a name change that occurs when a young person comes to believe “I was really meant to be a…” — person of the opposite gender. That’s what happened with one of our grandchildren, who was identified as female at birth, but later self-identified as male. This grandchild and parents started on this journey when the child was 11: the child said the words quoted above and asked to be called by a male name. Because this child’s family live on the west coast, far from any of the rest of our very large family (who live mostly in the Midwest, where our 9 kids — by birth and adoption — grew up; also one family is on the east coast), and because of the pandemic, most of our family have not seen this young person (except briefly on Zoom calls) since our last family reunion in 2019, when we were not yet told “they” had a new name — and gender ID. When just my husband and I are talking, we usually remember to refer to this grandchild by his chosen name, but sometimes the original name slips out. For transgender individuals there is so much more involved with a name change, and it can be critical to the person’s emotional well-being that those who care about the person try to follow your Uncle Steve’s advice that, “people should be called what they want to be called”.

    1. Thanks for sharing your family’s story, Patricia. And yes, thank you for the reminder about how much higher the stakes are in such a situation. It feels like the least we can do is use the person’s preferred name. I hope you do get to have that family reunion next summer!