How to Compromise on Naming Twins

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NAMING TWINS WHEN YOUR STYLES ARE VERY DIFFERENT

Lena writes:

My husband and I are expecting our first children, twins, due in late December but we can’t agree on many names, which is frustrating. We have different styles and can be really picky and stubborn.

We both prefer first names outside of the US Top 150, though a little bit above 150 is doable. We don’t know the genders.

My preferences:

• No masculine/gender-neutral names for girls, even as nicknames, though I’m open to gender-neutral names for boys.
• I love classic and vintage names.
• No trendy, overly modern names, names with kre8ive spellings, random word names, or anything that sounds like it’s a pet’s name.
• No juniors. I don’t mind a variation of his name, but not the exact name. (His name is Eric, which could be a middle name or we could use a variation. We like Frederick. He loves Freddie on its own, but I prefer it as a nickname. For a girl, Erica could work for a middle.)

My husband’s preferences:

• He hates most vintage names which equal old lady/old man to him.
• He prefers more modern names and likes some alternative spellings – but I’m not a fan. It’s a pain to have to correct people and I hate y’s in place of other letters.
• Gender-neutral names for girls are okay.
• If we have a boy, he’d like a junior.

Names I’ve suggested for a daughter include:

• Daphne – he thinks the Scooby Doo association is too strong
• Fiona – he thinks of the ogre in Shrek
• Lilia – he likes it but doesn’t feel it’s the one
• Matilda – he thinks it’s too old and I hate the nickname Mattie/Maddie
• Phoebe – the spelling is odd to him and doesn’t look how it’s pronounced
• Susanna – he wants an h on the end if we use it, but I don’t like the h
• Vera – he thinks it’s too old lady
• Zara – he thinks of the store

Names I’ve suggested for a son include:

• Callum – he hates the sound
• Desmond – too old
• Dorian – he thinks it’s too feminine
• Edmund – too old and he hates “Ed”
• Hugo – too old for him
• Rowan – He just doesn’t like it

Names he has suggested for a daughter include:

• Adelyn – I hate -lyn names because they’re trendy and overused
• Becca – I don’t mind it as a nickname for Rebecca, but it looks incomplete by itself. He doesn’t like Rebecca
• Bella – too Twilight for me
• Coraline – because of the Tim Burton movie it’s hard to see it for an actual person
• Elara – I just don’t like it. I don’t know why
• Emery – I’m not a fan of it for a girl
• Everly – I hate it, especially for girls
• Finley – I don’t like it for a girl, but like it for a boy. He doesn’t
• Gwendolyn – I dislike the -lyn ending. Evelyn is okay, but way too popular
• Indie – it’s not a real name to me
• Jovie – I don’t get the appeal of it
• Juliet – I think of Romeo and Juliet
• Kinsley/Kinsleigh – It’s trendy and un-feminine and I hate anything with -leigh
• Luna – it’s a dog name to me and it’s very common now
• Savannah – I think it’s tacky and doesn’t age well

Names he has suggested for a son include:

• Kayden – way too trendy for me
• Kingston – feels like it’s trying too hard
• Lorcan – I’m just not a fan
• Maverick – it’s tacky and too try-hard
• Miller – I think of the beer
• Ryker – I think of the prison
• Zayne – I can’t picture it for an adult

We both like, but aren’t 100% sure about these girl names:

• Adelaide Katherine “Adele” or “Ada”
• Amara Genevieve
• Anastasia Rose “Anya”
• Anneliese/Annalise Pearl “Anya”
• Camilla Jane
• Cassandra Rose
• Cecilia Rose
• Cecily Mae
• Corinna Jane (cor-REE-na)
• Dahlia Mae
• Greta Jane
• Hattie
• Felicity Anne
• Juliana Rose
• Kaia
• Tabitha Maeve
• Lorelei Elizabeth
• Giselle Rose
• Maren
• Seraphina
• Tessa
• Vada
• Viviana Mae “Vivi”

We both like, but aren’t 100% sure about these boy names:

• Alistair Thomas
• Casper
• Dashiel (He likes Dash, I don’t)
• Griffin
• Jensen
• Kellan
• Magnus Oliver
• Reid
• Remy (does it stand on its own though? We don’t usually like nicknames as given names)
• Stellan (We’re just worried about it sounding like Stalin)
• Tobias James “Toby”
• Wesley Elliot “Wes” (we’re just not fans of the popularity)

Regarding middle names:

• For a girl, he likes Lynn, Marie, Grace, Ann/Anne, Faith, and Hope as middle names for girls. I agree on Anne or Hope.
• For a boy, he likes James, Michael, Thomas, Wyatt, Hayden, and Logan for boys. I agree on Thomas or James.
• I love Rose/Rosalie, Jane, Elizabeth, Mae/Maeve, Kate/Katherine, Pearl, and Ivy as middle names for girls. He likes Rose, Jane, Katherine, and Ivy.
• For boys, I love Wesley, Elliot, Alfred, Francis, Callum, and Oliver for boys. He likes Elliot, Wesley, and Oliver from them.

Our last name is H0ltzm@nn.

Please help us with feedback and suggest more names and combos we might agree on. Thank you!

Please read on for my response and leave your thoughtful suggestions in the comments.

A GREAT START FINDING MIDDLE GROUND

Abby replies:

Congratulations on your twins!

First up: you are doing The Work.

Are your styles very different? Yes. Are you finding the middle ground despite these differences? Again, absolutely yes.

It’s impressive!

Before we go any further, I wonder if you’ve considered two things:

• Does one of you care more about names overall? It sounds like you might be equally invested in the process, which is great! But this doesn’t have to be a 50/50 vote. It’s okay to make it, say, 60/40 if one of you feels Very Strongly about something. In fact, if one of you feels very strongly about, say, a middle name being Eric/Erica, then that gives you one decision to work from – which might help.
• Sometimes including middle names can simplify a decision. At other times, it makes it harder. You actually need to choose four names, right? I think the best approach is to choose your two favorite boy names and two favorite girl names and work from there. For this reason, I’d put all thoughts of middle names aside right now – unless there’s an obvious choice that simplifies the process, like one partner really preferring a specific middle.

FINDING TWO GREAT GIRL NAMES

Let’s start by looking at your existing list.

Because spelling and pronunciation are both concerns for you, I’m going to suggest dropping Anneliese/Annalise. It’s a personal favorite, but I do think it’s a ticket to a lifetime of “My name is Anneliese, A-N-N-E-L-I-E-S-E. Yes, I-E.” And there’s no spelling that really fixes that, at least not in the US. Likewise, I think pronouncing Corinna could be a challenge. And while Camilla isn’t especially popular, Camila ranks #13 in the US, so I think that fails your popularity test – and sets up a lifetime of Camilla-with-two-Ls.

Now let’s rank the rest of your list.

My two least favorite names for you are:

• Kaia, because it feels much more like his style than yours, and feels tough to match with the rest of your list. (Kaia and Amara, maybe?)
• Hattie, which might’ve been my favorite … but with your last name being H0ltzm@nn, it’s such a strong, memorable choice that nothing else matches it.

Somewhere in the middle, I’d list:

• Amara – If only because it’s a little too modern
• Anastasia “Anya” – I wonder if this is mostly making the list as another way to get to Anya?
• Cecilia – Such a great name, but I think it pales compared to Cecily
• Seraphina – Quite stylish and undeniably appealing, but it feels like you have stronger choices.
• Tessa – This just feels like too much of a compromise, somehow?
• Vada – I think I’m putting this in the Kaia/Amara category almost, even though I know it’s vintage.

And my top choices for you:

• I think Cassandra, Tabitha, Lorelei, Juliana, and Viviana are all great with your surname and feel like solid compromise choices.
• Cecily, Felicity, Dahlia, and Giselle are great, too – but maybe more on the pretty/vintage side than your husband seems to prefer.
• Maren is a logical compromise name between your two styles, but it does feel a little tough to match from the rest of your list.
• Greta seems to check all the boxes for you both.
• Adelaide leaps out at me as the clear front runner – but would you mind if she ended up answering to Addie? It does seem like this takes Adelyn from his list and tweaks it to something more distinctive and vintage in style.

A few fresh suggestions to consider:

• Ada – As a midpoint between Vada and Adelaide
• Anya – On its own, rather than as a nickname
• Genevieve – This appears only as a possible middle name, but it shares the nickname Vivi and Jensen’s first syllable
• Veronica/Veronika – It’s Viviana, but with the name Eric nested within

Combinations for two girls:

• Dahlia and Giselle
• Ada and Maren
• Anya and Greta
• Genevieve and Adelaide
• Veronica “Vera” and Adelaide “Ada”

FINDING TWO GREAT BOY NAMES

Again, let’s begin with your existing list.

As much as I think Dashiel/Dash is an obvious compromise, if you’re not wild about the short form, I feel like this should be dropped. I’m also going to suggest dropping Alistair. It’s such a great name, but it’s absolutely a spelling challenge – and it seems like something you’d prefer to avoid. (Though I’ll concede that, for the right name, it can absolutely be worth it.)

Moving on to ranking the rest of your list.

My least favorite names for you are:

• Casper – It’s such a great name, and yet … it’s really different. Maybe too different? I considered longer Cas- names, but Caspian and Cassian don’t sound great with your surname. There’s Cashel, but I think that’s likely to be too similar to Dash/Dashiel.
• Stellan – I would rate it higher, but once you have in your head “wait, this sounds too much like …” I suspect it’s not going to work out for you, at least not for this child

Somewhere in the middle, I’d put:

• Kellan – Does this tip too much into the modern category?
• Remy – I’d like to put this closer to the top of the list. Because it does stand on its own! It’s French and complete, a formal name since the 400s. But I concede that it feels a little trendier and more modern than you’d prefer.

And at the top of the list:

• Griffin – I feel like it’s a good mix of current and traditional
• Jensen – Maybe a little more in the Kellan camp than, say, Tobias, but it’s unexpected and I think that makes it work
• Magnus – a big, grand name with history to spare
• Reid – brief, complete, polished, I think this is one of those exactly right traditional-meets-modern picks
• Tobias – this is more old school, but if your husband is on board, then maybe it’s The Name
• Wesley – Yes, it’s more popular than you might like, and yet, it’s not exactly Liam/Oliver/Noah

Some fresh suggestions to consider:

• Everett – Yes, it ranks in the Top 100, but nothing sounds quite like Everett. It combines the best of all those V sounds you love with names like Elliot.
• Frederick, called Freddie – A formal name that incorporates dad’s name and an old-fashioned nickname that makes it clear your kid isn’t a junior.

Combinations for two boys:

• Reid and Wesley
• Reid and Griffin
• Frederick “Freddie” and Tobias “Toby”

Combinations for boy/girl twins:

• Veronica and Frederick – Vera and Freddie – It’s all in on the named-after-dad idea, which is probably too much, and yet, the names sound far more like your style than his.
• Tobias and Adelaide – Toby and Ada are sweet together, and the names feel like strong compromises between your two styles
• Wesley and Maren – Both are vaguely surname in style, but mostly feel like traditional first names that fit with current trends
• Ada and Reid – or even Adelaide and Reid? Except that visually I think Adelaide overwhelms Reid when I write the names. Ada and Reid are just the right amount of repeating D sound.

I’m having a really hard time choosing favorites, but if I must? Right now, I’d say:

• Adelaide and Genevieve for two girls, called Ada and Vivi. (Or Gigi?)
• Reid and Griffin for two boys, though I could easily swap Wesley in for either of those names.
• For boy/girl twins, Ada and Reid are an easy choice. I’d be tempted to use Ada Katherine and Reid Frederick.

Readers, over to you! How would you compromise on naming twins?