Advice Needed: Does His Ex Cross Out This Name?

 Name Help is a series at Appellation Mountain. Every week, one reader’s name questions will be discussed. We’re relying on thoughtful comments from the community to help expectant parents narrow down their name decisions. Thank you in advance for sharing your insight! To have your question considered, email appmtn (at) gmail. Looking for your own private #namehelp post? Order one here.

WE PLANNED TO NAME HIM CHARLIE, BUT THEN …

Allison writes:

My husband was married when he was 21 to another woman. They separated after six months, and were divorced not long after.

We met ten years later, in another part of the country. He hadn’t seen/spoken to his ex in all that time. We’re now married and expecting our first child together.

For as long as I can remember, he’s always talked about naming a son Charlie (Charles) after his grandfather, who was like a dad to him. I never got to meet Charlie, but everyone says he was a great guy. And we’re having a boy and I mostly like traditional names anyway, so Charlie seemed like the only choice.

So what’s the problem?

It turns out that my husband’s sister is connected to his ex through social media. And his ex has a daughter named Charlie. (I don’t know if it’s short for something or just Charlie, if that even matters.)

My sister-in-law told me about it assuming I wouldn’t want to use the name for our son because it would be “weird.” Is it?

When I asked my husband, he shrugged it off. He says that if they talked about names, he knows he would’ve brought up Charlie, but he really doesn’t remember.

Here are my questions:

• Is it weird to name our son Charlie? We’ll probably never see her/her Charlie, and they’re not really in touch with any of the same friends, as far as we know. (Except we didn’t know about my sister-in-law, so maybe we’re wrong?)
• Should we say anything if we do name him Charlie? My husband says he has no hard feelings towards his ex. But they’re not in contact, either.
• How should I respond if someone brings it up? I know I’m overthinking this, but I just want to be prepared if we do name our son Charlie and then it comes up somehow.
• Or should we avoid all of this and use another name? My husband would probably agree, but I think it would also be sad for him.

I really need to get out of my head on this one. Please help!

Read on for my response and leave your thoughtful suggestions in the comments.

THIS PROBABLY FEELS WORSE THAN IT IS, RIGHT?

Abby replies:

Congratulations on your son!

These questions can feel so impossible, right?

You have The Perfect Name chosen, but then there’s this … Thing. And everyone tells you ignore this Thing, because it doesn’t really matter. But it matters to you, at least enough that you can’t stop thinking about it.

So let’s put this possible Very Weird Thing through its paces.

Is it weird to name our son Charlie?

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being Stranger Things-level wackiness and 1 being Mister Roger’s Neighborhood tranquility, I’d put this at a 2, maybe a 2.5. It’s a tiny bit awkward when you think about it, but happily, you’ll almost never have to think about it.

Let’s re-frame this: If it were your husband’s ex-girlfriend? I’d shrug it off completely. Most people would, right?

If the name were really different – Elwood or Carsten or Giacomo – that might matter, too. But there are so many children named Charles/Charlotte/Charlie that it feels like an easy coincidence.

Should we say anything if we do name him Charlie?

I understand the urge. But … say what to who?

In cases of name repetition, I do sometimes suggest that the expectant parents say something. Why? Because people in our circle – even our most extended circle of family and friends – shouldn’t find out through happenstance.

But this mom-of-another-Charlie doesn’t fall into any of your circles, right?

Given that, it might be weirder to reach out and say something. If your husband feels like it’s necessary, then by all means – he’s welcome to do so. But it’s also possible that it’s more awkward to bring it up at all.

How should I respond if someone brings it up?

I think I’d stick with two lines, on repeat: “We named him after Grandpa Charles” and “Oh, well, it’s a great name.”

In other words, I think you can shrug this off.

Or should we avoid all of this and use another name?

As weird and awkward as it might feel to imagine your son sharing a name with your husband’s ex-wife’s daughter, I think it’s also a mistake to drop the name.

• It’s a deeply meaningful honor name for your husband and his family.
• You really like the name! It sounds like you would’ve considered Charles/Charlie even without the family connection.
• Nearly any name you choose could feel lacking. I’m guessing you might like Theodore-called-Theo or William-called-Will. And if you were naming Charlie’s little brother in a few more years, maybe they would be right. But Charlie will always be the name that got away.

 I think I’d accept a potentially awkward moment when someone mentions it for the incredible joy of honoring your husband’s beloved grandfather, and for getting to use a name you love.

Your family will encounter other Charlies over the years, from all walks of life. That will never diminish how special this name is for you.

Readers, what do you think? Would you be more cautious about using the name?