Name Help is a series at Appellation Mountain. Every week, one reader’s name questions will be discussed. We’re relying on thoughtful comments from the community to help expectant parents narrow down their name decisions. Thank you in advance for sharing your insight! To have your question considered, email appmtn (at) gmail. Looking for your own private #namehelp post? Order one here.
Table of Contents
- WE PLANNED TO NAME HIM CHARLIE, BUT THEN …
- THIS PROBABLY FEELS WORSE THAN IT IS, RIGHT?
- Is it weird to name our son Charlie?
- Should we say anything if we do name him Charlie?
- How should I respond if someone brings it up?
- Or should we avoid all of this and use another name?
- Readers, what do you think? Would you be more cautious about using the name?
WE PLANNED TO NAME HIM CHARLIE, BUT THEN …
Allison writes:
My husband was married when he was 21 to another woman. They separated after six months, and were divorced not long after.
We met ten years later, in another part of the country. He hadn’t seen/spoken to his ex in all that time. We’re now married and expecting our first child together.
For as long as I can remember, he’s always talked about naming a son Charlie (Charles) after his grandfather, who was like a dad to him. I never got to meet Charlie, but everyone says he was a great guy. And we’re having a boy and I mostly like traditional names anyway, so Charlie seemed like the only choice.
So what’s the problem?
It turns out that my husband’s sister is connected to his ex through social media. And his ex has a daughter named Charlie. (I don’t know if it’s short for something or just Charlie, if that even matters.)
My sister-in-law told me about it assuming I wouldn’t want to use the name for our son because it would be “weird.” Is it?
When I asked my husband, he shrugged it off. He says that if they talked about names, he knows he would’ve brought up Charlie, but he really doesn’t remember.
Here are my questions:
- Is it weird to name our son Charlie? We’ll probably never see her/her Charlie, and they’re not really in touch with any of the same friends, as far as we know. (Except we didn’t know about my sister-in-law, so maybe we’re wrong?)
- Should we say anything if we do name him Charlie? My husband says he has no hard feelings towards his ex. But they’re not in contact, either.
- How should I respond if someone brings it up? I know I’m overthinking this, but I just want to be prepared if we do name our son Charlie and then it comes up somehow.
- Or should we avoid all of this and use another name? My husband would probably agree, but I think it would also be sad for him.
I really need to get out of my head on this one. Please help!
Read on for my response and leave your thoughtful suggestions in the comments.
THIS PROBABLY FEELS WORSE THAN IT IS, RIGHT?
Abby replies:
Congratulations on your son!
These questions can feel so impossible, right?
You have The Perfect Name chosen, but then there’s this … Thing. And everyone tells you ignore this Thing, because it doesn’t really matter. But it matters to you, at least enough that you can’t stop thinking about it.
So let’s put this possible Very Weird Thing through its paces.
Is it weird to name our son Charlie?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being Stranger Things-level wackiness and 1 being Mister Roger’s Neighborhood tranquility, I’d put this at a 2, maybe a 2.5. It’s a tiny bit awkward when you think about it, but happily, you’ll almost never have to think about it.
Let’s re-frame this: If it were your husband’s ex-girlfriend? I’d shrug it off completely. Most people would, right?
If the name were really different – Elwood or Carsten or Giacomo – that might matter, too. But there are so many children named Charles/Charlotte/Charlie that it feels like an easy coincidence.
Should we say anything if we do name him Charlie?
I understand the urge. But … say what to who?
In cases of name repetition, I do sometimes suggest that the expectant parents say something. Why? Because people in our circle – even our most extended circle of family and friends – shouldn’t find out through happenstance.
But this mom-of-another-Charlie doesn’t fall into any of your circles, right?
Given that, it might be weirder to reach out and say something. If your husband feels like it’s necessary, then by all means – he’s welcome to do so. But it’s also possible that it’s more awkward to bring it up at all.
How should I respond if someone brings it up?
I think I’d stick with two lines, on repeat: “We named him after Grandpa Charles” and “Oh, well, it’s a great name.”
In other words, I think you can shrug this off.
Or should we avoid all of this and use another name?
As weird and awkward as it might feel to imagine your son sharing a name with your husband’s ex-wife’s daughter, I think it’s also a mistake to drop the name.
- It’s a deeply meaningful honor name for your husband and his family.
- You really like the name! It sounds like you would’ve considered Charles/Charlie even without the family connection.
- Nearly any name you choose could feel lacking. I’m guessing you might like Theodore-called-Theo or William-called-Will. And if you were naming Charlie’s little brother in a few more years, maybe they would be right. But Charlie will always be the name that got away.
I think I’d accept a potentially awkward moment when someone mentions it for the incredible joy of honoring your husband’s beloved grandfather, and for getting to use a name you love.
Your family will encounter other Charlies over the years, from all walks of life. That will never diminish how special this name is for you.
Just stick with it. If anyone says anything about the ex just say “Yeah, that was kind of weird when I heard… I mean, we had already chosen the name for Grandpa Charles. But it’s no biggie.”
As everyone said, you should use Charlie! I wouldn’t think twice about it, and wouldn’t reach out to the ex or anyone about it. (Especially someone from a short marriage long ago that your husband is not really in touch with.) It actually seems kind of weird to me that your sister-in-law assumed you wouldn’t want to use it. If anyone presses the issue when asking about the name (which I kind of doubt will happen), you can say “oh yeah, we heard about that after we had already decided on Charlie after grandpa Charles” in a shrug it off / isn’t that funny kind of way.
Oh, I think this one’s an easy call. From the title, I expected that the ex-wife’s name was the same as the one planned for the child, which could be awkward depending on everyone’s feelings. But his ex’s daughter? One born long after the divorce, who neither of you has ever met, and who you only know exists because of Facebook? It’d be a shame not to use a name you both love and honor your husband’s grandfather because of something so minor. Especially when the name in question is as common as Charlie.
It’s not weird. If they had children together and stayed in touch it would be weird, but after 10 years of no contact and no plans to see each other in the future, I don’t see an issue.
And since it’s and honor name, you have an easy answer if people ask about his name. Don’t let this prevent you from choosing the name you love.
All the previous commenters summed up what I was going to say as well so consider this another vote for “name him Charlie!”
Use Charlie! Keep the two lines Abby mentioned on the back burner in case someone brings it up … I think very few people will though.
I honestly don’t think most people will even realize, or if they do, they just won’t care. It’s not like Charlie is some obscure, super distinctive name. There may be a couple of other people like your sister-in-law though! If they happen to bring it up just say, “I know, isn’t that a weird coincidence? We had already chosen his name before I even knew about the other Charlie. Anyway, he’s named after grandpa Charlie and it really suits him, doesn’t it?” *bring the attention back to your super cute baby*
I would take the stance that you have already named him and didn’t know about the other Charlie. That’s pretty much how it feels to me reading this post, even though he isn’t born yet. It’s like he’s already named, and you’d be changing his name at this point.
I wouldn’t think twice about it. Use Charles, call him Charlie,and explain it’s after his great-grandfather if anyone who knows the ex-wife’s daughter asks. No oneis going to think about it or care. I doubt the ex-wife would care. His aunt might think it’s a little odd, but that’s not a deal breaker since I’m sure she also loved Grandpa Charlie and can appreciate the significance. Use it and stop worrying about it..
What I think is ‘weird’ is not using a great name, an honour name, a name that both parents agree on, because a person dad severed ties with over a decade ago used the same name (and we’re not even sure she’s not a Charlotte) for her kid.
If this had happened a generation ago, would his sister and his ex have stayed in touch and would she know that fact at all? Social media makes it so easy to have too much information at our fingertips.
So far the only person who thinks it’s ‘weird’ is your SIL. Maybe draft up a text to give it closure “Hey, we’re definitely going to call your nephew Charlie. Your brother is so excited to honour Grandpa Charlie and I LOVE the name too. It was the plan before you brought up the random fact that the ex used that name. She’s not part of our circles, and doesn’t factor into our decision.”
I agree with Abby to have a stock answer lined up if anyone brings it up, but really, why would anyone? “That’s a weird coincidence. Anyways…”
I totally agree with Abby and wish you well with your little Charlie. It’s a great name.