Name Help is a series at Appellation Mountain. Every week, one reader’s name questions will be discussed.
We’re relying on thoughtful comments from the community to help expectant parents narrow down their name decisions. Thank you in advance for sharing your insight!
Sara writes:
I’m pregnant with my third child, a sister for William and Edward.
For both boys, we would have used the name Hattie Elisabeth after my beloved grandmother and great-grandmother.
I have loved that name for as long as I can remember, and luckily my husband agreed (especially since he doesn’t like many (any!) other girl names).
Two years ago, his sister named her third daughter Harriet. She sometimes calls her Hattie as a nickname. All of her daughters have formal names and nicknames, and they go by both.
I figured it was off the table for us. But when I found out this baby was a girl, I became so sad thinking that our daughter wouldn’t be Hattie as we had always dreamed.
My husband still wants to use the name. He says it’s not actually Harriet’s given name, no one “owns” a name, and we only see his sister and children a couple times a year. I convinced him to ask her about it. While she was nice in her response, she hopes we look elsewhere.
So we are trying, but struggling.
I’ve been scouring the internet trying to figure out if I’m a terrible person if we indeed go ahead with it.
I would not care if the tables were turned, but I know some people are very territorial about names.
Thank you so much in advance!
Please read on for my response and leave your thoughtful suggestions in the comments.
Hi Sara –
First, congratulations!
This might be controversial but … I think you should name your daughter Hattie Elisabeth.
And then I think you should brace for potential family drama.
GOOD REASONS TO NAME YOUR DAUGHTER HATTIE
If it were important to you that your daughter’s name be unique within your family, you’d have no choice – your niece is named, and that cannot be undone.
Except you don’t mind sharing.
And it’s easy to see it the opposite way. Your sister-in-law used your all-time top name, the name that you’d planned since your first pregnancy – or even earlier.
If there were simply a name you loved, I might encourage you to consider alternatives.
But it’s also a name that connects your daughter to her mother’s family – her great-grandmother and great-great-grandmother. That’s powerful.
And it’s a name that your husband loves equally, which adds even more weight to the name.
You’ll love your daughter no matter what name you choose, and you’ll grow to love her name, too.
But it’s a sacrifice for you to choose something other than Hattie, and it’s not clear to me that you need to make it.
RELATIONSHIPS MATTER MORE THAN NAMES
Questions like this come up all the time. My guiding principle is that relationships matter more than names.
But that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be guided by your loved ones’ wishes.
Everything in your message suggests that you’re taking the high road. You could insist that she’s at fault, and defend yourself. Except that’s not what you’re saying at all. You and your husband have gone out of your way to be thoughtful and sensitive about the potential conflict.
That’s what matters.
I can appreciate your sister-in-law’s feelings, as I imagine she chose Harriet partially because it wasn’t very common and didn’t want her daughter to share.
And yet … names repeat.
It might be the tiniest bit confusing at family holidays. Or maybe your daughters will both adore sharing a name with a cousin.
SO NOW WHAT?
The internet may very well tell you that a) you’re a horrible person and b) my advice is terrible.
Your sister-in-law might be less than thrilled. It might be a sore point for years to come.
But … that goes both ways! You might feel resentful for years to come, too.
Is it worth using your long-time favorite, richly meaningful name, even if it means your sister-in-law possibly holds a grudge?
Because you can control the name you give your daughter. But you cannot control your sister-in-law’s reaction. That’s tough, because no one wants to make the birth of a baby a contentious moment.
If you can live with her reaction – and any potential damage to your relationship – then I’d proceed. And to be clear, you’re not at all a bad person if that’s the way you feel.
Because it sounds like your daughter’s name is already Hattie Elisabeth … even if it would be easier if you could find something you liked instead!
Okay, readers … am I off-base on this one? How would you react if you were the sister-in-law … or the mom-to-be?
I would use the name you love. If your sister-law is still not on board after telling her why this name is so important to you I would find out why it is a problem. Maybe she wants her to have a unique name. Grandparents might be confused…and so on. Then come up with a compromise name. This would show you respect her and her child’s name, while giving your child the name of your dreams. I like the idea of calling her Hattie Elisabeth, a nickname with family like Tibby. I go by two different names. My name in English is Lorna, while my Spanish name is Grace. I have no problem switching between the two. Lots of people have names they use within certain groups. Also, you could ask Harriet your niece how she feels about sharing her name with a new cousin. Consider your husband’s current relationship with his brother. Names alone do not destroy relationships. If there are underlining problems this would add onto that. I believe open communication is key to this name conundrum. Best of luck.
I am close to my husband’s family, even though we only see them once or twice a year. It would be uncomfortable for me if someone wanted to use one of my kids names…however, both of them have frequently used nicknames, and my son’s nickname is a common nickname for many names although not frequently a stand-alone name (Mac). I wouldn’t be pumped about that being used, but I wouldn’t be resentful either.
If the honors are the important factor, I would consider reversing the order to Elizabeth Hattie. I think it sounds just fine in that order…and it gives you the option that she can still go by Hattie. I also would consider the nicknames Betty and Betsy, as they have a similar feel to Hattie. Anyway, then neither girl’s first name is Hattie, and when they’re together they can be Elizabeth/Betty/Beth/Betsy and Harriet, and she can be Hattie to everyone else all the rest of the time. I’m guess what would bother me about giving up Hattie altogether is there is a chance that when cousin Harriet gets bigger that she NEVER goes by Hattie…and that would make me wistful.
Thank you for your thoughtful insight, Jean! I love Betty as a nn for Elizabeth. Your final point is one of the main reasons I haven’t moved on 100%, that and my husband and I have yet to agree on anything else so far! Luckily we still have a couple months to go.
Have you and your husband considered naming your daughter Hadley Elisabeth, nickname Hattie? I know some people would say Haddie is the “proper” nickname for Hadley, but I think Hattie works equally well! Your niece would be Harriet, sometimes called Hattie, and your daughter would be Hadley, mostly called Hattie, except when her older cousin, aunt, or other family members on your husband’s side are present.
“She was very nice and said she knows she has no rights to the name/nickname, that it’s our decision, etc, but they just wished we would try to find something else.” I’m quoting you here — I think the key word in her response to you is “try.” It sounds like you AND your husband are genuinely trying to come up with another name that you both love as much as Hattie. It’s not as if you are the only one who loves the name (and has for quite some time); your husband loves it too. If you decide to name your daughter Hattie and can say with a clear conscience that you were unable to find a different name that you liked as well, then I think your SIL ought to respect your decision.
Thank you, your words have definitely given me some peace of heart!
Ugh that’s *such* a tough question. I think Abby’s advice makes absolute sense, but if it was me, I don’t think I could bring myself to do it, knowing that my sister in law would very much prefer me to pick another name. It’s not about ownership exactly but more that I would want the arrival of my new baby to be a cause of unadulterated joy and I wouldn’t want to taint any of that joy by anxiety that I’d upset a close family member and caused a rift or resentment. I really like the suggestion of using another name to get to Hattie as a compromise though? Henrietta is great, but I think you could also get to it another way – maybe Katherine?
You’ve summed up my feelings exactly! Even after Abby’s awesome advice and many responders saying it’s “ok”. I don’t love the thought of announcing my daughter’s name with trepidation and worry. So we are going to keep looking and brainstorming, much to my husband’s agony;) If I meet her and we do go through with Hattie, or find it another way (Kathryn is actually my middle name and I’d not thought of that!) at least I will have tried hard to find something else. Lucky for me I love poring over baby names and blogs!
I know you’ve been tying yourself in knots over this, and as much as it would be lovely to find a perfect solution, I just don’t think there is one in this situation.
The nearest I can think of is reversing the order … but I’m not sure Elisabeth as a first name has the same appeal for you as Hattie does. Would Eliza Hattie be better? If you could bring yourself to love it you’d still be using a variant of a meaningful name and have Hattie tucked in there and special. And you’d still be honouring the two women you’d love to honour with your daughter’s name
Another not ideal suggestion … Sadie has a similar feel to Hattie and is a variant of Sara. It would mean not using Hattie at all though, but Sadie Elisabeth still gives you two family names.
If you don’t use Hattie Elisabeth for your daughter, it could also be a darling name for her special doll 🙂
All the very best!
You and your husband deserve to be able to name your baby a name you love just as his sister named her baby a name she loved. Her baby girl was born first, but did you love the name long before she did? Did she love it before you? Who knows. It does not matter. She can choose to be “victimized” by your use of the name Hattie– quietly or otherwise– or not. You absolutely did the sensitive, mature, respectful thing to give her a heads up, and you owe no one anything else. Congratulations to your family!
OP here! I just want to thank you ALL for your thoughtful feedback. And of course the wise and wonderful Abby as well! It has been so helpful and means a lot to me. I’ve tried to reply individually, but they aren’t posting so I’ll just comment here. And hope they don’t all show up tomorrow and make me entirely redundant.
To answer a few questions- we did share our girl name with my first two pregnancies with family. I might have even shared it before I was ever pregnant. Most people who know me, know that was THE name. But I don’t necessarily think my husband’s sister or family remembers. We found out the sex well before our boys were born, so it’s not like we discussed a girl name for very long. Which is no big deal if she or anyone forgot- I assume not everyone is name obsessed like I am;)
So when she mentioned Harriet with a possible nn Hattie as one of their choices for their 3rd girl, I just kept my mouth shut. I didn’t want to color her decision or make it seem like I was calling dibs. Especially as I had just had my second son and wasn’t even sure if we’d have another baby, much less a daughter! Should I have said something? Who knows. But I don’t Really regret that I didn’t, in case it would have seemed like calling dibs, which is not my style.
There is another living Harriet in their family, my husband’s aunt. She goes by Harriet only. (My MIL let it be known she thought i should skip Hattie and use Harriet after her side when we discussed it with her the first time around!)
We have used honor/family names for both boys, first and middle, and for a while I was trying to go outside that box but realized it was making it harder for me to move on since the original name (and the women it’s after) is/are so meaningful to me. And because my family tends to reuse names, the pool is quite small! my husband especially is underwhelmed with the other family options on his side and mine.
I typically avoid conflict, so my gut is to find a different name whether I/we love it or not. One thing that gives me pause is if she drops Hattie completely down the road (as she does go by Harriet quite a lot) I know I Would be pretty sad about that. And I do secretly wonder why it’s ok that there are two Harriets in the family and that’s not a problem at all. But maybe it’s because it’s the same generation Of cousins instead of an aunt and niece that’s conflicting? Anyway, I truly appreciate you all taking the time to respond and promise to update with our decision in early November!!
I think having two first cousins share a name IS more confusing than aunt or niece. In my town there were two cousins called Christopher. It worked because one was Chris and one was Kit and they had different last names. My mother, grandmother and a cousin were all Margarets but my mom is Peggy and my cousin is Maggie, etc. In your sister in law’s place, I would be annoyed if you called your child Hattie. In your niece’s place, I would feel that my name had been stolen. It might be different if your daughter is a Harriet called Hallie or Elizabeth Hattie, etc.
I have two cousins named Gabrielle Elizabeth on the same side of my family, and they were born a month apart. They don’t see each other often. The first Gabbie’s parents were a little upset about the arrival of the second Gabbie (but the second Gabbie’s father is named Gabe, and it was clearly planned far in advance, and was just a coincidence). They eventually let it go, and I literally haven’t heard anyone talk about it since the kids were born in 1996. It’ll be fine.
I agree with the previous comment of using Elizabeth Hattie instead. This way you keep all family ties and can call her Hattie the majority of the time if you like. Showing honor and respect for living family members (SIL) is just as important as honoring those who have passed.
While I don’t think cousins who share a given name and nickname is too close (I’m pretty live and let live, so as long as it isn’t siblings sharing a name, I’m not likely to bat an eye), what it comes down to is what you’ll regret more: the possible souring of your (or worse, your husband’s) relationship with your SIL, or not using the name that fills your heart.
Out of curiosity, I would ask your husband whether his sister is the type to be blunt or dance around an issue. Because she said she hoped you’d “look elsewhere” rather than a simple “no,” but I don’t know enough about her to read into it.
Thanks for the feedback! Therein lies my dilemma- I don’t want this to cause a rift at all, but I’m surprised at how hard it’s been for me to move on now that my daughter is real. We are struggling to find a meaningful family/honor name (which so far is our naming tradition/style) that we both like, much less love. My husband is concerned I will always be sad about Hattie if we don’t use it, although I would like to think I would get over it!
She was very nice and said she knows she has no rights to the name/nickname, that it’s our decision, etc, but they just wished we would try to find something else. I would be shocked if it created some huge family drama as that’s not her style, but I’m not entirely sure if it would create some unspoken resentment or not. I’ve also never been at odds with my in laws in general because I typically avoid rocking the boat!
She was diplomatic and nice about it- saying she knew she had no right to the name/nickname, but would just prefer if the cousins didn’t share. I don’t think it would cause a huge drama, as that’s not really typical of her, but whether there would be subtle resentment? That perhaps other family members might feed into? Of that I am not totally sure.
Thanks so much for responding!
I think you really need to exhaust all other options before using it. Is the drama really worth it? Aren’t honor names supposed to make a family closer, not more distant? And what would Granny Hattie want?
But if that fails, what about Hattie Elizabeth as a double middle? Or name her Hattie but call her Betsy for Elizabeth so you maintain the honor and drop the drama? I mean, unless you SIL is a saint, it will impact her relationship with your kid in some capacity. And your kid’s relationship with her cousin. And what a lot of stress that all is!!
I get that you imagined your child and her name one way, but you know that kids often are very different than we ever could have imagined. In a good way! Is your love for Hattie love for the idea of having a daughter? Or is it really this specific kid’s name? Maybe dig through your love for Hattie a bit to see why it is hard to imagine her as anything else.
But at the end of the day, it is your child and you have done a good faith effort to find something else. If you can’t, then brace yourself for the fall out.