Name Help is a series at Appellation Mountain. Every week, one reader’s name questions will be discussed.
We’re relying on thoughtful comments from the community to help expectant parents narrow down their name decisions. Thank you in advance for sharing your insight!
Sara writes:
I’m pregnant with my third child, a sister for William and Edward.
For both boys, we would have used the name Hattie Elisabeth after my beloved grandmother and great-grandmother.
I have loved that name for as long as I can remember, and luckily my husband agreed (especially since he doesn’t like many (any!) other girl names).
Two years ago, his sister named her third daughter Harriet. She sometimes calls her Hattie as a nickname. All of her daughters have formal names and nicknames, and they go by both.
I figured it was off the table for us. But when I found out this baby was a girl, I became so sad thinking that our daughter wouldn’t be Hattie as we had always dreamed.
My husband still wants to use the name. He says it’s not actually Harriet’s given name, no one “owns” a name, and we only see his sister and children a couple times a year. I convinced him to ask her about it. While she was nice in her response, she hopes we look elsewhere.
So we are trying, but struggling.
I’ve been scouring the internet trying to figure out if I’m a terrible person if we indeed go ahead with it.
I would not care if the tables were turned, but I know some people are very territorial about names.
Thank you so much in advance!
Please read on for my response and leave your thoughtful suggestions in the comments.
Hi Sara –
First, congratulations!
This might be controversial but … I think you should name your daughter Hattie Elisabeth.
And then I think you should brace for potential family drama.
GOOD REASONS TO NAME YOUR DAUGHTER HATTIE
If it were important to you that your daughter’s name be unique within your family, you’d have no choice – your niece is named, and that cannot be undone.
Except you don’t mind sharing.
And it’s easy to see it the opposite way. Your sister-in-law used your all-time top name, the name that you’d planned since your first pregnancy – or even earlier.
If there were simply a name you loved, I might encourage you to consider alternatives.
But it’s also a name that connects your daughter to her mother’s family – her great-grandmother and great-great-grandmother. That’s powerful.
And it’s a name that your husband loves equally, which adds even more weight to the name.
You’ll love your daughter no matter what name you choose, and you’ll grow to love her name, too.
But it’s a sacrifice for you to choose something other than Hattie, and it’s not clear to me that you need to make it.
RELATIONSHIPS MATTER MORE THAN NAMES
Questions like this come up all the time. My guiding principle is that relationships matter more than names.
But that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be guided by your loved ones’ wishes.
Everything in your message suggests that you’re taking the high road. You could insist that she’s at fault, and defend yourself. Except that’s not what you’re saying at all. You and your husband have gone out of your way to be thoughtful and sensitive about the potential conflict.
That’s what matters.
I can appreciate your sister-in-law’s feelings, as I imagine she chose Harriet partially because it wasn’t very common and didn’t want her daughter to share.
And yet … names repeat.
It might be the tiniest bit confusing at family holidays. Or maybe your daughters will both adore sharing a name with a cousin.
SO NOW WHAT?
The internet may very well tell you that a) you’re a horrible person and b) my advice is terrible.
Your sister-in-law might be less than thrilled. It might be a sore point for years to come.
But … that goes both ways! You might feel resentful for years to come, too.
Is it worth using your long-time favorite, richly meaningful name, even if it means your sister-in-law possibly holds a grudge?
Because you can control the name you give your daughter. But you cannot control your sister-in-law’s reaction. That’s tough, because no one wants to make the birth of a baby a contentious moment.
If you can live with her reaction – and any potential damage to your relationship – then I’d proceed. And to be clear, you’re not at all a bad person if that’s the way you feel.
Because it sounds like your daughter’s name is already Hattie Elisabeth … even if it would be easier if you could find something you liked instead!
Okay, readers … am I off-base on this one? How would you react if you were the sister-in-law … or the mom-to-be?
Normally, I would think cousin is too close of a relationship to share a name, but in your case I think it would be fine for a few reasons: 1) because it’s the other child’s nickname, and she doesn’t use it exclusively. To me Hattie as a given name is distinguished from Harriet sometimes nn Hattie. It would be like naming a child Emmie when she has a cousin named Emmeline who is sometimes affectionately called Emmie. They’re two different names, and Harriet has so many nickname choices. 2) it’s a deep, meaningful connection for you. You have a really good reason for naming your child Hattie. For your side of the family it would be a heartwarming, special decision. To me that’s not taking your SIL’s daughter’s name. It’s using your grandmother’s name. 3) it really does make a different that you don’t see them often. I don’t know if it would matter either way, but there are so many people who know your daughter Hattie but won’t know cousin Harriet. In the majority of her lived experience, that connection won’t be relevant.
I understand not wanting to rock the boat, but if I knew my child’s nickname had such meaning for a SIL, I wouldn’t feel like I had such a strong claim to it. There’s more than one relationship at play here.
It is a little close for cousins who see each other a few times a year. But if it is only « she sometimes calls her hattie as a nickname » it dorsn’t sound that set in stone and she will probably migrate to another nickname. Otherwise, use another hattie-providing name as suggested. If SIL gets that upset then tough.
How would you feel about a different formal name that gets to Hattie as a nn? Could your daughter be Henrietta or another feminine version of Henry on her birth certificate? Harriet and your daughter could be called by their respective formal names when together, but the rest of the time, she could be Hattie.
Congratulations on your daughter and best wishes for a warm resolution to the situation with your SIL and niece, whatever you decide!
Great idea! We are trying to warm to Henrietta, especially as Henry was our boy name for this baby! I just wonder if that would still be too close for comfort for my sister in law?
Sara, you say that Hattie Elisabeth was your choice for a girl with your previous pregnancies — did your SIL know your intent to use this name? If so, did she reach out to you when she was expecting daughter #3 and ask if it would be okay if she named her third daughter Harriet, nn Hattie, knowing that was a name you were hoping to use?
I say go ahead and name your daughter the name that you AND your husband love and that has special meaning to you because of the women it honors. When the family is all together (and it sounds like you only see your SIL and her family infrequently), maybe your daughter can go by her full name to avoid confusion or maybe she could be Hattie Beth or some other nickname.
Hattie Elisabeth is a beautiful name and I feel you would definitely regret not using it. Best wishes to you!
Thank you for your thoughtful response! We did share our Girl name intentions with family, but I’m not entirely sure that she, or any other members of his family remember. When she shared that they were thinking of Harriet and a few other names for this 3rd daughter during her pregnancy, she also mentioned Hattie as a nickname, and I didn’t say/remind “oh that was our girl name!” I didn’t want to color her decision, especially as i had just had my second son and wasn’t sure if we would have a daughter or even a third baby at that point. In hindsight, should I have casually said something? Who knows. I just didn’t want it to seem like I was calling dibs since I’m not really that kind of baby namer anyway. I’m a Sara from the 80s, named after family and share my name with a cousin and many others. It doesn’t bother me (but my sister has a popular name and always hated it- so I know everyone is different!)
We are trying hard to find an alternate name we can agree on, that won’t ruffle any feathers, but I do really love the name, and the women she would be named for, so very much, it’s harder than I thought! Thanks again for your feedback:)
I thought I already posted a reply to you, but it didn’t show up! Just wanted to say thank you for your thoughtful response, and answer your questions.
We did share our girl name with family the first two times around, and I think I shared it even before we were ever pregnant, as it’s been my top choice forever, but I’m not entirely sure my husband’s sister remembered, or if anyone in his family does. I just assume not everyone is as name obsessed as me;)
So no, she never asked me. Which never bothered me. When she mentioned Harriet with a possible nickname of Hattie for this 3rd daughter, I chose not to say, “oh, Hattie is/was our girl name!” I didn’t want to color her decision in any way, or seem like I was calling dibs (when I wasn’t), especially since I had just had our second son and didn’t know if I’d ever have a daughter or even a 3rd baby at that point. In hindsight, should I have casually mentioned it? Would it have helped the current situation at all? Who knows.
If we go through with using it/don’t settle on anything else, I was thinking I would offer to call her Hattie Elisabeth around my husband’s family (I would even call her that all the time if we didn’t have a long last name) or whatever else might make my SIL feel more comfortable.
I appreciate your kind words and feedback so very much!
I’ve been on the other side of this dilemma. My cousin asked me if they could use my daughter’s name for their third child who was on the way. The only reason she gave was that her husband loved the name. If I had been told it was the only name they loved forever and had family ties on the other side of the family (and they hadn’t already named their first daughter their favourite name) I *might* have answered differently? But honestly, my gut reaction was “No way, thank you!” I didn’t answer right away, I let my thoughts percolate. But I found another name advisor’s words to a writer that said that once a child is named, it’s a person, no longer a name. That resonated with me. So I thanked my cousin a lot for reaching out and asked her not to use the name. I said it would be confusing for our shared grandparents and family, which was also a factor. Well, here we are five years later and my relationship with my cousin hasn’t ever been the same. There are of course other factors for why we might have drifted a bit. But I do think the relationship risk is there, no matter what you choose (whether you honour her feelings but are resentful, or use the name and experience some resent from her/your niece/your family.) No judgement here. Every family and every situation is so different. I know how hard it is to find a name you absolutely love. So good luck!
(OP here) Thank you so much for your thoughtful response! It is really helpful. And yes- I can’t believe how hard it has been to find an agreed upon runner-up that we love!
I can understand the argument for elevating relationships over names, but at the same time, I don’t like this notion that we “own” names. My mother-in-law comes from a large Sicilian family, where it is not at all unusual to have multiple cousins with the same name or variations of the same name (she shares her own name, Nanette, with at least one cousin, if not two). This happened because they favored honoring family members over picking unique names. In your case, you didn’t just pick Hattie Elizabeth because you found it aesthetically pleasing: you chose it, because it honored people who are very dear to you.
If I were you, I might call your sister-in-law yourself, and politely and kindly explain your deep attachment to this name, and ask her to understand your position. You might be surprised: she may find sympathy after hearing you articulate your heartfelt feelings to her. But I do think you should contact her, not your husband.
Best wishes for navigating the situation!
I’ll voice the other view- I think a warm relationship with her cousin and aunt is way more important than realizing a dream name.
Personally, I had a long-time favorite name, that is a family name on one side of my family, and actually *part* of my own name, and I always imagined giving it to a daughter. But a relative on the other side of my family named her child that years before I was ever pregnant. They also use a relatively uncommon nickname for that name that I preferred.
I was briefly disappointed. It was a perfect, easy naming choice for my own eventual daughter… until it wasn’t anymore. But I did find another name that I loved as much if not more- and was extra glad I had done so when my daughter arrived on her cousin’s birthday! I have no doubts that my relative would have been gracious and civil about it if I had plowed ahead and named my child the same thing as hers. But what a thing to put on a budding relationship between the two kids or the adult and the new child- and more so if you’ve already asked and been kindly told they would really prefer you didn’t.
I have zero regrets about putting our relationship above the aesthetic and emotional pull of a fantasy name. When I see my daughter and her much-adored older cousin playing together, I am so so glad there isn’t even an ounce of the tension that would likely have resulted if I had insisted on naming her the same thing as her cousin. Each of their names is perfect for them now, in reality.
I would not do it. I think it would be rather annoying and confusing and also somewhat of an insult to the Hattie who already exists in the family. How about Elizabeth Hattie instead or some other family name?
I love Abby’s advice, and agree that you should go with Hattie Elisabeth.
Would it be worth talking to little Harriet about it too, and hearing her reaction to knowing there’ll be another Hattie in the family? She’ll probably be super excited, which might help your SIL to warm to it. But I suppose the flip side is you’d have to be prepared in the event that she is not at all psyched about it–that might not do wonders for your case.
You should use Hattie Elisabeth. If you haven’t already, perhaps it’s worth talking with your SIL and sharing the reasons why the name is particularly meaningful for you and your daughter. I’d also let her know that you diligently sought alternatives. Maybe there’s a cute way to connect the girls that would take the sting out of it a little. I wouldn’t necessarily expect any of that to change her mind, but at least she’d have the context for why you’re making this choice. I also think that any drama will lessen over time. She will need to process her feelings and you’ll have to give her space to do that.