Name Help is a series at Appellation Mountain. Every week, one reader’s name questions will be discussed.
EDITED: We have an update! Scroll down to find out what they named their daughter.
Sharon writes:
We have two boys, and are expecting a girl this fall. I’ve had a girl’s name picked out since before we found out our first was a boy.
The girl’s name is Adeline. I know it’s gotten more popular, but it’s the only name my husband and I really like. It goes well with her brothers’ names – Oliver and Simon – and with our short last name.
Everything was set until a few days ago. I mentioned the name Adeline to my mom, and she said that I couldn’t use it. Why? Because my cousin just named her daughter Adilyn. Or maybe Adelyn or Adilynn. She wasn’t sure about the spelling.
My cousin is more than ten years younger than me, and has always lived on the other side of the country – and still does. My mom talks to her mom, my uncle’s wife, pretty often. But my cousin and I aren’t close. We’re not friends on Facebook or anything like that, either – in fact, I don’t remember really knowing she was pregnant. I was in high school the last time we saw each other.
Not that it matters, but I told my mom this was our girl name before Oliver was born, so it’s not like it’s new, either.
Do I ignore my mom? Or should we re-consider? Can cousins share the same name? There really isn’t a second-place name at this point.
Please read on for my response, and leave your thoughtful suggestions in the comments.
Dear Sharon –
How exciting to be expecting your first daughter! And finally getting to use a long-loved name carries a special kind of joy, doesn’t it?
I suspect you – and everyone reading this! – knows my answer. Heck, I think you know the answer.
Relationships matter more than names, even our favorite names. So it’s kind – and appropriate – that you’re willing to consider choosing something new.
Except this doesn’t sound like much of a relationship! You don’t live anywhere near each other, and you don’t stay in any kind of communication. Other than your mom mentioning it, there’s no reason you’d be aware that your cousin had a child, much less a girl named Adelyn. (Or some variation thereof.)
So … even though “cousin” may signal close family ties, in this case, it does not. It’s almost like your mom saying, “Oh, remember my friend Kathy? You met her that one time we went to Dallas? Her daughter named her daughter Adeline, too.”
Because here’s the next part: you mentioned that Adeline has become more popular, and you don’t mind. (And I don’t think you should, either.) Kelli Brady’s annual Playground Analysis at Nameberry confirms this. Tally up all of the spellings currently ranked in the US Top 1000, and Adeline + friends rise to the #6 spot in the US, behind only Sophia, Olivia, Emma, Ava, and Isabella.
A few generations back, cousins cheerfully shared names. Classrooms were filled with Mary, Mary Anne, and Mary-called-Mimi. The search for one-of-one names qualifies as a recent phenomenon. And yet, if you draw your circle wide enough, I’m sure that you can think of a few other girls named Adeline – or Addison or Madelyn or another similarly popular name.
Once you decide to disregard popularity, it means accepting that names will repeat – even within your extended family. We’re not back to the age of many Marys, and it’s not even as dramatic as the Jennifer explosion of the 1970s. But you’re making a choice to bestow a much-loved name that happens to be fairly common, and occasionally meeting another child with the same (or a similar) name comes the package.
Now, what to say to your mother? I think you emphasize that it’s a great name. You’re pleased for your cousin. But it doesn’t change your plans. After all, these second cousins, or first cousin-once-removed (I can never keep those straight!) may never meet. Fingers crossed that she’ll back off once she realizes you’re not inclined to choose a different name – and you might even gently remind her how many years you’ve been planning to name a daughter Adeline.
Can cousins share the same name? Like so many things, it depends. If you were living in the same small town, and both girls shared the same surname, too, my answer would be different. But in these circumstances, there’s no reason in the world to prioritize a non-existent relationship over your own preferred name.
Let’s have a poll, just to make it clearer:
Update! They named her Adeline.
Sharon writes, “After reading all of the comments, I decided that I just wouldn’t talk about it with my mom again, and wait until she was born. When my mom came to the hospital, she said something about thinking that was my cousin’s daughter’s name, but then she went right back to holding her granddaughter. Maybe it will come up later, but I’m SO SO SO glad we used the name. Please say thanks to everyone for their help!”
In this case it seems like it will be mildly odd for your mother but not a concern to anyone else. Go for it! Definitely don’t ask your cousin if you’re “allowed” to use the name unless you’re 100% prepared for her answer to be no. Forge ahead and if anyone – including your cousin – raises a fuss about it, explain that you had Adeline set as your girl name for years and that it’s just a coincidence. They’ll get over it.
I agree with Abby, that since this is a relationship you don’t really keep up at all, use Adeline.
If you’re still on the fence, maybe there is a slightly different alternative that would put you more at peace like Adelaide.
My husband’s brother and their cousin are both Chrises, with the same last name. One is Christopher; one is Christian. They’re just a few months apart in age. When they were born, they lived in different states, but they ended up going to high school in the same (very large) state. Other than my MIL being slightly miffed at her SIL for using a similar name, it’s not really a big deal. This is from a family that has Tom Sr, Jr, and III, as well, so they rolled with it. Plus, my niece and her step-sister are both named Caitlin (with different spellings, but living in the same house), so multiple Adelines should not really be an issue.
Use it! My cousin and I have children with the same name (to be fair, it is my father’s name AND his father’s name–that particular uncle is married to my mother’s sister, so basically my mother and aunt married men with the same names, if that makes sense), so perhaps the namesake aspect of our situation makes it a bit more compelling.
That being said, however, I have a large age difference with this cousin and never see him, so even if I had wanted to use the same name as he had and it weren’t after our father’s, I would have done it.
And you’ve loved it forever! Use the name you love. I think your situation is far enough removed for it not to be a big deal.
Also…last point: is that even the same name? You’d be using a classic Adeline, and is hers pronounced the same way? Tell your mom that–not the same name! It’s spelled differently! 🙂
If I had a strong relationship with the cousin, or we were likely to see each other often, I would be more inclined to pick something else. If it was a VERY rare name, I would probably think long and hard about picking something else, in any case.
But this isn’t either of those cases.
Adeline is a beautiful name.
You should use it. Given that the girls will rarely (if ever) see each other, it feels like a non-issue. However, as people have said, even if they were likely to be in the same place often, they’d find a way to work out sharing a name.
I’d be more concerned with the popularity/likelihood of being Adeline than the connection to a cousin I never see. If it’s the name you love, it’s your daughter’s name =)
Go ahead and use Adeline. My children have cousins with the same first names living in the same town. They naturally became Mike and Miguel, David and David Alan. With the girls living across the country you don’t even have to make such distinctions. Each of the grandmas can refer to her OWN Adeline during their phone calls. Congrats!
My brother and his first cousin (same age) shared a first name. The shared name never bothered them, although the fact that some relatives insisted on always referring to them by their first and middle names (which were different) did annoy them. My brother’s own son also shares a first name with a first cousin and they live in the same town. One goes by the full name and one goes by a commonly used nickname and there haven’t been any problems. The boys do have different last names.
I shared my first and last name with a first cousin who lives across the county. Never bothered me at all. Reportedly my grandmother thought it was odd to have two granddaughters named Laura but oh well.