Name Help is a series at Appellation Mountain. We’re relying on thoughtful comments from the community to help expectant parents narrow down their name decisions. Thank you in advance for sharing your insight!
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WE NAMED OUR DAUGHTER AFTER MY SISTER … BUT FAMILY NAMES AREN’T REALLY OUR THING
Brianna writes:
My husband Scott and I have a beautiful two year old named Amanda Juliette and we’re excited to welcome our second daughter later this year.
While we haven’t settled on a name, we have a very specific problem. It’s painful and awkward and I’m spending so much time thinking about it, I think I’m losing my mind.
At eight months pregnant with our first, my beloved older sister lost her life in a car accident. It was sudden and shocking and I was devastated. I still can’t get over the reality that my best friend will never meet her beautiful niece.
We took every name we were considering off the table and named our daughter Amanda after my big sister Mandy.
(She was Amanda, too, but no one ever called her that.)
It was the right decision and really helped my family heal and guarantees that I can talk to my daughter about her aunt.
Until this tragedy, we were not family name people. My husband is named for an uncle and he’s pretty indifferent about it, but I’m definitely not into family traditions/names. Until everything changed.
So I’ve been assuming that Amanda’s sister – it’s a girl – would just get a name that Scott and I agree on.
The problem? My mother-in-law, who really is a wonderful person, keeps suggesting family names from their side. Why? 1) Because it’s only fair to have one name from each side; 2) Because how would our younger daughter feel if her big sister had this amazing, important name and she just had one we liked?
I don’t care about fair at all – this isn’t recess on the playground – but I am sensitive to the idea that we might be letting her sister down.
For what it is worth, my mother-in-law is suggesting Ruth, Ann, Rita, and Myrtle.
So far, our list is Sophia, Georgia, and Evangeline. Feedback on the names and middle name suggestions would be great, but more importantly, how do I break the news to my mother-in-law?
Please read on for my response and leave your thoughtful suggestions in the comments.
BREAKING THE NEWS … BUT DO YOU WANT TO COMPROMISE?
Abby replies:
Congratulations on your new daughter!
And I’m so, so sorry for the loss of your beautiful sister. The circumstances of your daughter Amanda’s birth clearly changed things, and her name is a fitting tribute.
I imagine it’s somewhere between awkward and painful to hear your mother-in-law’s suggestions. It does sound like she means well, and is a positive presence in your life. Which is wonderful!
But it is definitely time to end these conversations, isn’t it?
My first suggestion, and one that feels like a natural piece of advice: have your husband talk to his mom.
I’m guessing your mother-in-law hasn’t really processed why this might be such an issue. If daughter number one has a family name from your side, wouldn’t logic dictate that a second daughter is named for your husband’s side?
It’s important to re-frame this and make it clear that it’s not about family names. And while her suggestions may be well-intentioned, they’re causing pain.
I feel like there’s a very good chance the light bulb will go on at this point.
Assuming it does … would you consider a compromise?
Let me say this loud and clear: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO.
But I’m having that same moment of hesitation. If your older daughter has such a powerful, meaningful name, one given with so much love and family history … well, yeah. I do kind of think it might be nice for your younger child to receive a name that shares some substance.
Would you consider a middle name from your husband’s side? And if not, are there names from your story together that could fit the same richly meaningful category? A name from a place you vacationed together, a street you lived on early in your relationship, a favorite song or movie character … the possibilities are endless, but I do think this is the work to do.
CURRENT LIST
I like the way Sophia and Georgia echo Amanda’s flowing, feminine style but still have a lot of strength.
Evangeline is great, too – but would you shorten it? I feel like four syllables almost always leads to a shorter name. And while Evie is great, do you like Evie as much as Evangeline?
I’d rank them this way:
3. EVANGELINE
Gorgeous name, but I suspect you’d end up with Evie. (Or Eva or similar.) Which is fine, but maybe not what you want?
2. SOPHIA
It’s hard for me to put this at the top of the list, probably because it’s so popular. But of course, it’s so very popular because it’s a great name! The sound, the meaning, the vintage appeal.
1. GEORGIA
Still, I’m going to put Georgia at the top of this list. I think it’s perfect with Amanda – timeless, feminine, and well-matched without sharing any sounds.
Looking at the list of family names suggested by your mother-in-law, I wonder if you’d be willing to consider Georgia Ruth?
In my experience, I have found that my very well-meaning, future mother-in-law loves the idea of offering opinions or options for myself and my fiancé. Although, some opinions are offered and said before she thinks it through. Sometimes it’s insensitive and she corrects herself! Other times, I have learned to let it go. She loves us both very much and I happen to be marrying her first-born, so when we are in a place where we feel we’re ready, she’ll be one of the first to know and offer an opinion. Ultimately, when things aren’t wanted, I try to make it clear and straightforward that “we’re keeping our options open and want to make it the best decision for us”. I’d do it myself, confronting her, but when it’s tough on me because of how busy things get or it’s too difficult at the time without feeling overwhelmed that I might say something harsh, I defer to my partner, who knows her best. No matter what, say it with love and be clear that this is a different experience, season and overall different pregnancy. The tone is totally changed and let her know it’s not personal, you just want it to be a new name where your little one can carve a new path in the family with you two and their sister. Let her know that’s what feels right for you. A good mother-in-law will respect this. I’m glad I know deep down mine will.
Best of luck. Trust yourself!
Well said, LadyRay! And yes … even after many years of marriage, my husband and I still default to “you manage your side” and vice versa. Not for any ill will at all. Just because, as you say, we know our individual families of origin best.
Ignore MIL. If she brings it up again, the “we’ll consider it but we are close to settling on a name already” says enough so that she won’t be disappointed when YOUR little girl gets here (in case she is childish ). And then, don’t stress it a second further.
Love the names you have picked out. I did want to point out that Ann is inside a lot of names, which may give more options.
Or, true honor name, Georgia Brianna. One little girl gets her aunt’s name and another her Mom’s. Plus Ann is in there so MIL can be told that it is inclusive of her side too.
SUCH a good point re: Ann.
Your MIL already had her turn with naming.
Your turn for naming Amanda was uniquely driven by the tragic loss of your beloved sister.
This is your turn to select any name you love.
Just smile and say, what a lovely idea, we’ll consider that. Then don’t consider it a moment longer.
I would make it clear to the MIL that your first child’s name is the exception, not the rule, in that you only used a family name because of the circumstances of your sister’s death. Sometimes you need to be clear to others about your pain, to make sure they realize their actions’ damage. That way, she will understand this is not about fairness.
I agree with Abby. Sisters Amanda and Georgia sound lovely!
Does sound awkward with your MIL. Possibly she thinks that she’s being helpful? Maybe just say “Thanks for the suggestions, we’ll see what fits when the baby is born.” Then change the subject!
Maybe use a family name as a middle name? I have three kids and the middle one has a middle name that is a family honor name. The older and younger kids don’t have any family names – just all ones we liked. The kids (all teens now) don’t seem bothered either way. We liked the meaning of our eldest’s middle name (& how it flowed with her first name) and the youngest’s middle name was my favourite name at the name that I would have used as a first name, but my husband needed a chance to pick the first name. So it all works out in the end, to say to a child “This is an honor name” or “We loved this name and thought it was perfect for you.”
First, what a beautiful tribute.
I’m reading your letter and thinking… if your husband is named after an uncle, and your firstborn is named after her aunt – didn’t you kinda already fulfill his side’s naming tradition too??? I say that without knowing if he has siblings and whether his family actually has the tradition of all kids getting a family name – it would be interesting to hear what she had to say when you were thinking of names for your firstborn. Is she only coming out with these ideas to be ‘fair’ to HER? Or was she always about the family names? If it’s the latter, I’d encourage you to remind her that just like last time, you and your husband will make the final call based on what feels right. Where’s your husband in all this? Can he talk to his own mother about letting it be?
If you wan to shut her down, maybe just tell her you and your husband have a list of names and she’ll find out when her next grandchild is born. Period.
I totally agree with KM – although – I will say that if your child has your husband’s surname, it’s not 100% your MIL’s side, as i assume she took her husband’s name. So if you are feeling completely generous (and you do not have to no no) you could a name from her side into the middle spot. Evangeline Ruth actually sounds amazing to me. I LOVE the name Evangeline and of your list it actually matches best to my ear. You don’t have to do Evie, although that is probably the most obvious, you could do Vanny or Eve or Jelly or Vinnie. What do you call Amanda? If it’s AJ, maybe you make this one Jorga Ruth and call her JR and tell your MIL she got her Junior LOL
Good luck. I didn’t have pushy in-laws or family when it came to naming, but they were happy to share their views. I took the stance of “Love to hear what you think is a beautiful name!” but with no promise of using it. They laughed at names like Margot and Frankie and Oscar. So they clearly were out of touch, as is your MIL.
Middle name can be a family name. I tend to agree that it ought to be a name from your husband’s side of the family and should be the name of someone he loves and respects. If one of them died recently or is a further back ancestor, it might work best. The first name should be one you just like. Tell Mother in Law you’re done discussing names because it’s too stressful.
I am writing one more time because I realized your name starts with a “B” and Amanda’s is with an “A” and I thought a “C” 3-syllable name that ends in an “a” would also link the three of you. So…here are some names:
Claudia, Cressida, Cosima, Cassandra, Chiara, Cynthia, Cristina (my name), Calista, Camilla (already mentioned), Clarissa, Carina, Celina, Carlotta, Celia, Corinna, Calandra…anyway…the connections would be subtle, but you would know the connection between the 3 names & this could be meaningful…and, of course, you would share this information with your daughters!
Oh that’s fun, Cristina – what a great thought!
I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved sister. Amanda is a beautiful name. You don’t need to honor you MIL’s wishes. If you do want to look back in your husband’s family tree for names though – back to 19th/18th c., etc., you could find a name you love and not choose the ones she has given, but still honor her wishes…only if you want. Otherwise, I like Sophia best from your list and this is why: it is 3-syllables and ends in an “a.” Therefore, it would connect “subtly” with your name and with Amanda’s! Here are other 3-syllable girl names that could go well with Amanda too: Annika (could honor Ann), Lydia, Camilla, Georgina (like Georgia, but 3 syllables), Tatiana, Serena, Sabina, Priscilla, Joanna, Renata, Elara, and Diana. Good luck!
Whose last name do your kids have? Her’s? If so, she needs to shut her mouth. If not, she also needs to shut her mouth. But if your kids have your husband’s last name, they are already named after that side of the family. So she can chill out. Anyone with reason should be able to understand why y’all had to name your oldest after your sister. I hope she’s able to understand she doesn’t get to feel slighted, and your family would rather have your sister here than her name. I’m really sorry about your loss. Name your child whatever you like.