How to Respond When an Honor Name Causes Hurt Feelings

Name Help is a series at Appellation Mountain. Every week, we discuss reader’s name questions, usually on Tuesdays and Fridays. We’re relying on thoughtful comments from the community to help expectant parents narrow down their name decisions. Thank you in advance for sharing your insight! To have your question considered, email appmtn (at) gmail. Looking for your own private #namehelp post? Order one here.

WE PICKED THE PERFECT NAME

J writes:

We are expecting our first child in a few weeks. For several reasons, she will almost certainly be our only child. After discussing names for months, we agreed that we want to keep it simple and honor people we love in our families. My husband was raised by his grandmother, Anne. Many women in his family have some form of the name, and my middle name is Anne, so our daughter will be named Anna.

We chose the middle name Lauren, from my mom’s name, Laurinda. She was named after her dad, Laurence and has gone by Lori most of her life.

I like that Anna Lauren is classic and timeless, and I think it is the kind of name that is good for a child but also an adult.

I’m writing because when I told my mom, she was in tears that her name is the middle name, while my partner’s family “gets to be first.”

At the same time, my husband’s family is thrilled about the name, and we’re both already thinking of our baby as Anna.

I’m not sure what to do here. I agree with everyone who says that my mom will love her granddaughter and the hurt feelings will pass. But once we choose the name it’s forever, and I don’t want to make the wrong decision.

Please read on for my response and leave your thoughtful suggestions in the comments.

IT’S AN HONOR NAME IF YOU SAY IT IS

Abby replies:

Congratulations on your new daughter, and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I think there are a couple of things to bear in mind when an honor name causes hurt feelings:

• The honoree doesn’t actually get a vote. “We are naming our child after you” is not the same as “we’d like you to choose the name of our child.” They’re similar, right? So I can appreciate the confusion. But it’s more like you’re at the door, saying, “as a token of our love, we have baked you this chocolate cake” and the recipient responds, “wait, I would’ve rather had cinnamon rolls.” It’s awkward, but almost without exception, the reluctant/disappointed honoree is in the wrong.
• It’s (mostly) about the younger person with the name, not the older. Again, this is a little weird. But you’re not naming your daughter after your mother just for your mother’s sake. It’s more about connecting your child to her family and heritage, and giving your daughter a name imbued with meaning and significance. You hope your mom is happy, too, of course. But naming is a forward-looking, future-oriented act.
• It’s an honor name if you say it is. No one else can choose your child’s name, and no one else can say that your reasons for a particular choice are wrong. So if you’ve named your son Alexander after grandpa Alessandro and he’s unhappy because you opted for the American English form of the name? It’s still an honor name.

None of this makes your situation any easier.

But it does point to a clear direction forward: don’t change your daughter’s name.

Beyond the general guidelines I’ve listed above, also consider:

• This name honors YOU, too. Anne is your middle name, chosen by your mother. Anna in the first spot isn’t all about your husband’s grandmother.
• You’re already thinking of your daughter as Anna. Will this honor name cause hurt feelings? Maybe so. But how awful would it feel to completely change your naming decision to satisfy your mother?

So what do you say to your mom? I’m not a therapist. And every family is different. But I think the keys are almost certainly:

• Telling your mom you love her. Never hurts. Might be the reassurance that a parent needs in the middle of so much change.
• Focusing on the experiences you’re looking forward to sharing with your daughter and your mother. Whether it’s a holiday tradition, favorite story, or place you can’t wait to visit together, shift the emphasis to future-oriented hopes and dreams that have nothing to do with naming.
• Accepting that the future is unknowable and being confident that your decision now is correct. Maybe your daughter will always be known as Anna. Or maybe she’ll prefer Annie or Lauren or some other nickname entirely.

We name strangers. While your mom might never be happy about your decision, no one knows how Anna Lauren will feel about her name. But if you love it, and choose it with all good intent? Then you’ve already done the right thing.

Readers, over to you! What’s your best advice for managing an honor name that causes hurt feelings?