Name Help is a series at Appellation Mountain. Every week, we discuss reader’s name questions, usually on Tuesdays and Fridays. We’re relying on thoughtful comments from the community to help expectant parents narrow down their name decisions. Thank you in advance for sharing your insight! To have your question considered, email appmtn (at) gmail. Looking for your own private #namehelp post? Order one here.
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WE PICKED THE PERFECT NAME
J writes:
We are expecting our first child in a few weeks. For several reasons, she will almost certainly be our only child. After discussing names for months, we agreed that we want to keep it simple and honor people we love in our families. My husband was raised by his grandmother, Anne. Many women in his family have some form of the name, and my middle name is Anne, so our daughter will be named Anna.
We chose the middle name Lauren, from my mom’s name, Laurinda. She was named after her dad, Laurence and has gone by Lori most of her life.
I like that Anna Lauren is classic and timeless, and I think it is the kind of name that is good for a child but also an adult.
I’m writing because when I told my mom, she was in tears that her name is the middle name, while my partner’s family “gets to be first.”
At the same time, my husband’s family is thrilled about the name, and we’re both already thinking of our baby as Anna.
I’m not sure what to do here. I agree with everyone who says that my mom will love her granddaughter and the hurt feelings will pass. But once we choose the name it’s forever, and I don’t want to make the wrong decision.
Please read on for my response and leave your thoughtful suggestions in the comments.
IT’S AN HONOR NAME IF YOU SAY IT IS
Abby replies:
Congratulations on your new daughter, and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I think there are a couple of things to bear in mind when an honor name causes hurt feelings:
- The honoree doesn’t actually get a vote. “We are naming our child after you” is not the same as “we’d like you to choose the name of our child.” They’re similar, right? So I can appreciate the confusion. But it’s more like you’re at the door, saying, “as a token of our love, we have baked you this chocolate cake” and the recipient responds, “wait, I would’ve rather had cinnamon rolls.” It’s awkward, but almost without exception, the reluctant/disappointed honoree is in the wrong.
- It’s (mostly) about the younger person with the name, not the older. Again, this is a little weird. But you’re not naming your daughter after your mother just for your mother’s sake. It’s more about connecting your child to her family and heritage, and giving your daughter a name imbued with meaning and significance. You hope your mom is happy, too, of course. But naming is a forward-looking, future-oriented act.
- It’s an honor name if you say it is. No one else can choose your child’s name, and no one else can say that your reasons for a particular choice are wrong. So if you’ve named your son Alexander after grandpa Alessandro and he’s unhappy because you opted for the American English form of the name? It’s still an honor name.
None of this makes your situation any easier.
But it does point to a clear direction forward: don’t change your daughter’s name.
Beyond the general guidelines I’ve listed above, also consider:
- This name honors YOU, too. Anne is your middle name, chosen by your mother. Anna in the first spot isn’t all about your husband’s grandmother.
- You’re already thinking of your daughter as Anna. Will this honor name cause hurt feelings? Maybe so. But how awful would it feel to completely change your naming decision to satisfy your mother?
So what do you say to your mom? I’m not a therapist. And every family is different. But I think the keys are almost certainly:
- Telling your mom you love her. Never hurts. Might be the reassurance that a parent needs in the middle of so much change.
- Focusing on the experiences you’re looking forward to sharing with your daughter and your mother. Whether it’s a holiday tradition, favorite story, or place you can’t wait to visit together, shift the emphasis to future-oriented hopes and dreams that have nothing to do with naming.
- Accepting that the future is unknowable and being confident that your decision now is correct. Maybe your daughter will always be known as Anna. Or maybe she’ll prefer Annie or Lauren or some other nickname entirely.
We name strangers. While your mom might never be happy about your decision, no one knows how Anna Lauren will feel about her name. But if you love it, and choose it with all good intent? Then you’ve already done the right thing.
You’ve carefully and thoughtfully chosen a beautiful name for your daughter, with the intention of honouring people you love. I understand your hurt and confusion by your Mum’s response. We can’t predict people’s reactions, but it sounds like you were blindsided by her hurt, when you expected her to be touched by the gesture. Especially since you really didn’t have to use any family names at all.
On many levels, I don’t see any wisdom in ‘giving in’ to your Mum and changing your daughter’s name. She is already Anna. I do wonder if tweaking her middle name to Anna Laurinda might help your Mum to see the honour more fully? I’m not sure if it’s really worth considering, but even thinking through another option may help you see the thought you’ve already put in and cement your initial decision.
Wishing you all the very best!
you should obviously call her Anna Lauren. so what if the mother’s name is in the middle? Lauren Anna is harder to say
It IS much harder to say, isn’t it?!
Sorry this is happening :/ I would focus on this piece of advice: “This name honors YOU, too. Anne is your middle name, chosen by your mother. Anna in the first spot isn’t all about your husband’s grandmother.”
Tell your mom simply – you love the name you chose, and it is very meaningful to you because BOTH first and middle names connect your daughter to your family. Anna through you and Lauren through your mom and grandfather. Plus, Anna has the bonus of being meaningful to her father’s family as well.
Then, I’d leave it at that for your mom to get over on her own and try not to dwell on the name order or discuss it further with her. Move on to other distractions as others have suggested (what’s her grandma name going to be, what kind of ways does she want to help with a new baby, etc.).
I hate how the politics behind family naming can get in the way of using family names. I can totally see this happening. In fact, I lied to my inlaws about a family name we used for my son and told them I just liked it (it was for a deceased relative they will never meet so I think I’m in the clear…) But you obviously don’t have that ability. I would guess your mom is worried about her connection to you and your daughter and how having a baby will change your family. I would stick with Anna Lauren if you love it and tell your mom that you are going with Anna because it reminds you of your middle name and feels like a name you love, but maybe emphasize how important she will be in your lives (if that is true). Has she come up with a grandma name yet? That could be a fun distraction?
Maybe Grandma needs a bit of tough love in the most gentle way? She had a chance to name her baby, now it’s your turn and out of all the middle names in the world, you chose one to honor her. How lovely and special is that! And you chose a name she herself chose for you to use as the first name for your daughter. That is also very special.
Baby’s first name honors your side AND dad’s side, the middle name honors your side, and the last name I’m assuming is dad’s surname which honors his side. I don’t think you can get more fair and equal than that!
Anna Lauren is a beautiful name, please don’t let your mom dissuade you from changing it. I think with time she will come around.
Congratulations to you and your family! Your daughter’s name is indeed Anna Lauren! However, since she is a grandmother, I think your mom could choose a special nickname just for her to use with your daughter, provided you are comfortable with the idea.