Name Help is a series at Appellation Mountain. We’re relying on thoughtful comments from the community to help expectant parents narrow down their name decisions. Thank you in advance for sharing your insight!
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WE NAMED OUR DAUGHTER AFTER MY SISTER … BUT FAMILY NAMES AREN’T REALLY OUR THING
Brianna writes:
My husband Scott and I have a beautiful two year old named Amanda Juliette and we’re excited to welcome our second daughter later this year.
While we haven’t settled on a name, we have a very specific problem. It’s painful and awkward and I’m spending so much time thinking about it, I think I’m losing my mind.
At eight months pregnant with our first, my beloved older sister lost her life in a car accident. It was sudden and shocking and I was devastated. I still can’t get over the reality that my best friend will never meet her beautiful niece.
We took every name we were considering off the table and named our daughter Amanda after my big sister Mandy.
(She was Amanda, too, but no one ever called her that.)
It was the right decision and really helped my family heal and guarantees that I can talk to my daughter about her aunt.
Until this tragedy, we were not family name people. My husband is named for an uncle and he’s pretty indifferent about it, but I’m definitely not into family traditions/names. Until everything changed.
So I’ve been assuming that Amanda’s sister – it’s a girl – would just get a name that Scott and I agree on.
The problem? My mother-in-law, who really is a wonderful person, keeps suggesting family names from their side. Why? 1) Because it’s only fair to have one name from each side; 2) Because how would our younger daughter feel if her big sister had this amazing, important name and she just had one we liked?
I don’t care about fair at all – this isn’t recess on the playground – but I am sensitive to the idea that we might be letting her sister down.
For what it is worth, my mother-in-law is suggesting Ruth, Ann, Rita, and Myrtle.
So far, our list is Sophia, Georgia, and Evangeline. Feedback on the names and middle name suggestions would be great, but more importantly, how do I break the news to my mother-in-law?
Please read on for my response and leave your thoughtful suggestions in the comments.
BREAKING THE NEWS … BUT DO YOU WANT TO COMPROMISE?
Abby replies:
Congratulations on your new daughter!
And I’m so, so sorry for the loss of your beautiful sister. The circumstances of your daughter Amanda’s birth clearly changed things, and her name is a fitting tribute.
I imagine it’s somewhere between awkward and painful to hear your mother-in-law’s suggestions. It does sound like she means well, and is a positive presence in your life. Which is wonderful!
But it is definitely time to end these conversations, isn’t it?
My first suggestion, and one that feels like a natural piece of advice: have your husband talk to his mom.
I’m guessing your mother-in-law hasn’t really processed why this might be such an issue. If daughter number one has a family name from your side, wouldn’t logic dictate that a second daughter is named for your husband’s side?
It’s important to re-frame this and make it clear that it’s not about family names. And while her suggestions may be well-intentioned, they’re causing pain.
I feel like there’s a very good chance the light bulb will go on at this point.
Assuming it does … would you consider a compromise?
Let me say this loud and clear: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO.
But I’m having that same moment of hesitation. If your older daughter has such a powerful, meaningful name, one given with so much love and family history … well, yeah. I do kind of think it might be nice for your younger child to receive a name that shares some substance.
Would you consider a middle name from your husband’s side? And if not, are there names from your story together that could fit the same richly meaningful category? A name from a place you vacationed together, a street you lived on early in your relationship, a favorite song or movie character … the possibilities are endless, but I do think this is the work to do.
CURRENT LIST
I like the way Sophia and Georgia echo Amanda’s flowing, feminine style but still have a lot of strength.
Evangeline is great, too – but would you shorten it? I feel like four syllables almost always leads to a shorter name. And while Evie is great, do you like Evie as much as Evangeline?
I’d rank them this way:
3. EVANGELINE
Gorgeous name, but I suspect you’d end up with Evie. (Or Eva or similar.) Which is fine, but maybe not what you want?
2. SOPHIA
It’s hard for me to put this at the top of the list, probably because it’s so popular. But of course, it’s so very popular because it’s a great name! The sound, the meaning, the vintage appeal.
1. GEORGIA
Still, I’m going to put Georgia at the top of this list. I think it’s perfect with Amanda – timeless, feminine, and well-matched without sharing any sounds.
Looking at the list of family names suggested by your mother-in-law, I wonder if you’d be willing to consider Georgia Ruth?
I don’t have advice on MIL just want to share that my brother is named after my dad’s dad who passed away before we were born and my sister and I both have names that my parents just liked and we have never felt less special. I like the name Sophia for you and Georgia as the second. Also agree that if they have your husbands last name you have already honored that side. on your new baby and I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister.
Thanks, Blairbear – I really appreciate your perspective. It helps to hear from those who have lived it!!
Would you be open to naming her Evangeline and calling her Ann/Anne/Annie? It might be a nice way to incorporate your MIL’s suggestion of Ann.
Mom of 2 kids with family names here–I also had never planned to use a family name until I ended up with a partner for whom carrying on his family’s legacy name with our eldest mattered a great deal. Once we’d done that, I felt (as Abby suggests at the top of her response) like picking a name for our second child that was a “just because” name felt unbalanced, so we did go with a family name from the other side of the family. But that was a decision *we* as parents made, not one that we made to placate our relatives.
I love Abby’s suggestion of thinking of other ways to make your second child’s name extra meaningful. I think the idea that a younger child’s name should also have “a good story” has a lot of value, but that doesn’t have to mean a family name. <3
Thanks Hannah – I think that’s a valuable perspective. And yes – SO many great ways to give a name a story, right?