Name Help is a series at Appellation Mountain. Every week, we discuss reader’s name questions, usually on Tuesdays and Fridays. We’re relying on thoughtful comments from the community to help expectant parents narrow down their name decisions. Thank you in advance for sharing your insight! To have your question considered, email appmtn (at) gmail. Looking for your own private #namehelp post? Order one here.
ONE-AND-DONE UPS THE PRESSURE WITH FAMILY NAMES
Carrie writes:
For many reasons, my partner and I consider ourselves one-and-done. We are settled in our decision, but it does make naming our baby a little more high stakes.
This baby will have my partner’s last name, which is M@rch, like the month. It’s a much easier last name than my Slavic, lots-of-consonants, how-do-you-say-that last name.
We have not found out our child’s gender and plan to choose a unisex name, possibly with a more gender-specific middle.
Our top three choices are:
- Rowan – my favorite, because it seems like such an easy kind of name. We do know other children name Rowan. None are so close that it would be an issue for us to use it. For me that reinforces that it’s a solid choice. For my partner, it makes it a little less special.
- Hartley – Even though it’s a real name, something about it looks made-up to me. Probably my partner’s favorite, but that has to do with other factors.
- Lanier – I really like it, but I worry about pronunciation. My favorite is lay-nee-er, but others say it lan-yer or lah-neer.
All three are family names. My partner has an extensive family tree, reaching back generations, thanks to an aunt who loves genealogy. Rowan is the only name from my side, my grandmother’s maiden name, but I don’t really know any Rowan cousins or anything like that. Hartley and Lanier represent my partner’s family. There are some really beloved Hartley family members, which is why that is my partner’s #1 choice.
For middle names, we would either choose something we just like or we could possibly choose another family name. I love Emerson, but worry our kid will sound like a corporation. We do like all things outdoorsy, and so nature names like Sky or River are also something we might consider.
Do you have any thoughts? I feel like we keep going around in circles.
Please read on for my response and leave your thoughtful suggestions in the comments.
FAMILY NAMES FOR A SINGLETON: IT’S A BALANCING ACT
Abby replies:
Congratulations on your new baby!
Here’s what leaps out at me: you’re balancing a desire to honor loved ones with the overall aesthetic appeal of your child’s name. Both matter!
But you’re also trying to evenly represent both sides of the family. Even if you chose your partner’s surname for every good reason, it doesn’t change the fact that 50% of your child’s everyday use name is already spoken for, and represent that part of their heritage.
It seems very reasonable that your family would be strongly represented by your child’s first name.
And so I’m surprising myself by voting for Rowan.
I try not to do this in #namehelp posts. But looking at your three finalist names:
- Lanier is a bit confusing to pronounce, and possibly even spell. You didn’t indicate which version you prefer, but I suspect the whole how-do-you-say-it isn’t ideal for you.
- Hartley is a great choice, but it does feel a bit like Nature-Plus names like Wrenleigh and Oaklynn. It’s a current vibe, and maybe doesn’t convey the image you’d prefer.
- Rowan does feel very wearable, familiar, easily spelled and pronounced, and is solidly unisex – which seems like a key goal for you both.
Assuming Rowan is the frontrunner, I wonder if there’s a middle name that both you and your partner might love?
After all, if you’re picking family names for a singleton, that means this is your only opportunity to honor loved ones on both sides of your child’s family.
A MIDDLE NAME FOR ROWAN
If you’re looking for something gender-specific, the safest options are the classics: Rowan Elise, Rowan James. But I’d like to try a few names that might appeal to you both, and they tend to be more unisex.
Before we begin, I do think Rowan Emerson M@arch is a great name, for a daughter or a son. On paper, I’d guess Rowan Emerson was a girl, only because Emerson is more popular for girls. Though Rowan is slightly more common for boys, so really? It would be a coin flip.
And here’s the thing: for years, I gave the advice to balance a more unisex first with a gender-specific middle. I still think it’s good guidance, but I feel like it’s less and less necessary. So many children receive unisex names now, and the percentage continues to increase. It feels less and less necessary with every passing year.
CAREY
I wonder if using a spelling of your given name might appeal? The spelling Carey reads like a last name in the middle spot.
CARTER
Or maybe something like Carter, using the first letters of your name? This is more strongly masculine. There’s a little bit of creativity here, but I almost see it as a portmanteau of Carrie and Lanier, a blend of two great family names for a singleton that checks a lot of boxes.
HART
You love the outdoors, so would Hart appeal more strongly than Hartley? It’s slimmed down and surprising, and while Rowan Hart M@rch might sound a little abrupt, I think it’s got some appeal. And when you’re balancing family names for a singleton, honoring all the most important loved ones can be more important than a perfect rhythm and flow.
LANE/LAINE
Along the same lines, I wonder if simplifying Lanier to Lane or Laine might work? Laine reads feminine, while Lane is more gender-neutral.
PIERCE
Without revealing your surname, Pierce picks up on its letters. Like Carter, it’s more solidly masculine.
SAGE/SAIGE
A nature name that feels nicely unisex if spelled Sage, and more feminine as Saige.
SKYE
Possibly my favorite blue-sky, optimistic nature name middle.
TATE
Just throwing in a random possibility, strong and upbeat.
My favorites are Rowan Carter for a boy and Rowan Laine for a girl. But if honoring Hartley family members matters, I can see that Rowan Hart M@rch might be the best compromise of all.
Rowan for the first name. Possibly the first, middle or maiden name of the paternal grandfather or grandmother for the middle. Or Rowan Hartley.
Really wanted to echo the part about balancing out the honor names to represent both sides of the family. I’ve read many a NameHelp post wherein the parents are considering family names from both sides, and Dad is pushing hard for names from his side of the family… while the kids *already have his last name.* It’s always irked me and struck me as quite sexist. While I don’t know if the gender portion of this dynamic applies to this post, it strikes me that in the absence of extenuating circumstances, it is of utmost importance that honor names feel balanced. In cases where the baby is getting only one parent’s last name, that’s even more true and changes the calculus a bit. Perhaps this is me speaking as someone whose first name, and whose siblings’ first names, only honor my father’s heritage, which has always bothered me!
Rowan definitely seems like the ideal first name! It’s gender-neutral, nature-inspired, and representative of your side of the family. Beautiful choice.
Hartley and Lanier would both be great options for the middle spot. I would be inclined to pronounce Lanier as “lay-NEER” (like Mount Rainier), but pronunciation is not such an issue for middle names.
You might also consider giving your child two middle names if you feel like you’d be giving up something on your wish list, like a clearly gendered middle. For example:
Rowan Grace Hartley March
Rowan Lanier Alexander March
One last thought (and a bit of a curveball): would you consider Hartley for your child’s last name?
I know some couples who’ve given their child a different surname from either parent. Sometimes, it’s an invented surname. Often, it’s a name pulled from their family tree (especially a maiden name that would otherwise be in danger of dying out).
It sounds like your partner is especially attached to his Hartley relatives, so maybe he’d be open to using that as your child’s surname?
In any case, you have lots of great options. Best of luck with the decision!
I’m here to third Rowan Hartley M-rch! That’s a slam dunk if I’ve ever seen one!
I wholeheartedly agree with Abby and everyone who says the first name should be one from your side. It’s not even as though it’s not a great name – it’s a lovely name, probably my favourite unisex name ever.
He loves Hartley so it can go in the middle, he’s got the surname covered, I don’t think he could possibly object?
You’re very lucky to have great family names to choose from. I’ve said it before but – if this is your one and done, why not squeeze an extra middle in there? Maybe just a name you love depending on the gender? Rowan Claire Hartley M-rch or Rowan Rhys Hartley M-rch, etc. Two middle names is not a big deal and I promise you’ll love using family names.
Congrats on your one and done!
I think Rowan is definitely the best choice – if your baby has you husband’s last name, a name from your side adds balance. I love Rowan Hart and Rowan Lane, but I also wanted to suggest Rowan Kate or Rowan Lily for a girl, or Rowan Jude or Rowan Henry for a boy. Best of luck and congratulations!
if you spell it Lainier people might get the message? unless that spelling doesnt appeal
I second this- I read through the post and thought, but why not Rowan Hartley March?! It flows beautifully.
I’m with Abbey on this one. If baby is getting dad’s last name then I think mom gets a little more pull on the first name, especially considering your partner doesn’t mind Rowan, it’s just not his first choice. Also, with Rowan being a family name on your side and not just a random name you happen to like then it makes even more sense to choose it! Plus, you said you like nature names and Rowan is not only a family name for you but also has nature ties (Rowan tree). It checks so many boxes!
I think Rowan Hartley M@rch would be a great compromise to make everybody happy but if you’re open to other ideas in the middle, how about playing off of the “hart” (heart) part of dad’s choice and finding a middle name that means love?
For a girl, how about Rowan Carys? Carys means love in Welsh (and it ties back into Mom’s name too!). Rowan Carys M@rch
For a boy, how about Rowan Davis? Davis means beloved. Rowan Davis M@rch
I think Rowan Hartley M@rch sounds lovely for either gender and should make everyone happy.
Chris, that’s a really good thought, too – thank you!