I’m no grammar snob, but back in the good ol’ days, an apostrophe meant something. They were not viewed as little more than garnish.

But some modern parents seem to feel that merely swapping out an “i” for a “y” does not go far enough. No, they will not rest until Kayla becomes La’Keylah and Sean becomes D’Shawn and random diacritic marks are scattered about like rose petals.

This is not a smart choice.

Besides the inevitable headaches of contending with a random mark in the midst of your name, it must be said that American English does not require accents to properly pronounce words. Sure, MS Word will automatically add the accent over the “e” in Cafe and fiance. But I’m not going to mangle those words just because WordPress doesn’t let me toss in an acute accent.

And so lots of French imports - Esme, for example - do just fine without the diacritic mark that would be required in a foreign tongue.

In fact, if someone is familiar with the mark you’ve tossed in for spice, that rogue punctuation could cause your child’s name to sound quite different than you imagined. Consider Miss Raven-Symone, of the Disney Channel’s That’s So Raven. Her parents tossed in a grave accent over the final “e” in Symone. Her name should now be said Sim oh NAY. That’s not the case, however - she says her name just like, well, Simone.

What’s the point?

The bottom line is that jazzing up a name with random punctuation is a downmarket choice. It looks terribly uneducated, and dooms your child to a life of explanations.

Take Michaela. It’s a stunning classic, the feminine form of Michael. Some parents prefer Micaela, the Italian variant.

Then there’s Makayla, Mikayla, Micayla, Mikhaila, Mickaela. They’re trendy. They’re a bit silly. They’re not at all sophisticated. But it isn’t a trainwreck, either. McKayla conjures up the Golden Arches, but again, it’s not the very worst name ever.

M’Kayla might just be. It is the low point in a name’s devolution, from an appealing classic to a name that is simply rather trashy.

The Social Security website does not even acknowledge the apostrophe in their name search. Type in M’Kayla, and the page reponds, “You must enter a name.”

Exactly.

While this might come across as an attack on African American naming practices, it’s just not so. I know a 3 y.o. called Declan, a fabulous name - only his parents went with the traditional Irish spelling, Deaglan, complete with the accents over the “e” and second “a.” It’s a mess of a name, often butchered as DEE-glen or DEG-lan, delivered along with a puzzled look.

To summarize:

1. Unless you’re naming your heavy metal band, don’t add an umlaut.
2. Diacritic marks mean something. If your name is an import, odds are that we’ll get it without that random accent grave.
3. Trust that, should you move to a foreign land, they will cheerfully reinterpret your name into something appropriate for the circumstances. It’s like high school Spanish when Mike had to answer to Miguel.
4. Random apostrophes are pointless. Unless you are showing possession, give it a miss.
5. The same goes for commas, tildes, carons and cedillas. And any other punctuation I’ve omitted.

In brief, confine yourself to using letters in their pure form for your child’s name. A thousand database programs appreciate your cooperation.